#10 You’re a Scientist… Resident Evil

Ooo look at me I’m a top scientist with a huge brain. With my huge brain I am under pressure to come up with a cure for cancer, a quick fix for scurvy, and a pill that will transform you into Superman. Ooo look, I got a bit too stressed, made a tiny mathmatical error, and instead created a zombie producing virus that has now been unleashed and has completely consumed the planet! Scientists, don’t watch this film. It will only add to your pressure and dammit, we want to live!

#9 You’re high up in a company… Disclosure

If you’re a big-wig executive, the world will assume you’re smart. Do you know what isn’t smart? Giving in to the sexual advances of your ex-girlfriend who has just started working with you, that’s what! Do yourself a favour, say no and run (even if she’s Demi Moore), before you find yourself in court for sexual harassment with your world falling down around you. It can happen. But watching this film will probably cause you to break out in an uncontrollable sweat if the opposite sex so much as looks at you. Then you’ll just look weird. And wet.

#8 You’re having an affair… Fatal Attraction

Don’t watch this for one reason – fear. Fear that your lover will pick up your daughter from school without you knowing. Fear that she’ll call you non-stop and start follwing you. Fear that she’ll kill your daughter’s bunny and leave it boiling on the stove, and fear that she’ll try and kill you and your wife, resulting in one of you having to kill her. Actually, if you’re THINKING of having an affair then by all means go ahead and view. Perfect way of keeping you pure.

#7 You’re a Boxer… Million Dollar Baby

She, like so many others, had a dream. She dreamt to be a world class athlete, the best female boxer there was. She had come from nothing and with training from Clint ‘if I squint any more I might lose my eyes but I can pull it off’ Eastwood, she made it! Only to get hit by a crazy, boxing psychopath on steriods, fall and break her neck on a chair, realise her career is over, and eventually die. Watch this if you don’t want to be a boxer, if you have no dreams, or if you have dreams but don’t mind them being shattered.

#6 You’re a Pilot… Snakes on a Plane

According to Superman, flying is the safest way to travel. However when you’re in a 200-foot aluminium tube, 30,000 feet in the air, with slimy little and large snakes that can trip a circuit or a hydraulic, which would then send you down faster than a Thai hooker, you might think a little differently. In order to avoid a mid-air heart attack due to your coincidental fear of snakes, forget this film exists, and maybe frame the Man of Steel’s words.

#5 You’re a Teacher (female)… Mean Girls

Unless you are teaching six and seven year-olds that can easily be scared into doing what you want, there’s no denying that imparting knowledge to the next generation is a tough gig (and a burden we at BFF bear every day). What makes it even worse is when you have a bunch of sixteen year old, tarty looking girls, who wear way too much make-up, describe everything as ‘fetch’ and have a Burn Book which spreads the rumour that you sell drugs to children. Worldwide teachers, do not watch unless you are happy living a life full of paranoia.

#4 You’re an Astronaut… Deep Impact

All you ever dreamed about since you were a child was being an astronaut. You wanted to see the stars, step on the moon and float around in rooms minus gravity. Little did you know that amongst the amazing views and powdery food, your planet would call on your expertise to save it from a life-destroying meteor. And not only do you end up having to sacrifice yourself, but you didn’t even 100% succeed. Deep Impact may put you off your future space expeditions due to recurring dreams of Earth’s impending doom.

#3 You’re a Doctor… Pathology

So you’re a doctor, good for you. You save people’s lives on a daily basis (arguably sacrificing your own due to ridiculously long hours but you don’t care), and look you now have a bunch of medical students who, like you, strive to be the unsung heros of the world. But wait a minute, did you hear that right? Your med students are actually deranged and sadistic and are involved in a game to see who can come up with the most undetectable murder? And you might be next? Yeah, you did hear right. This film might make those 36 hour shifts go by very, very slowly.

#2 You’re a Soldier… Brothers

Upon going into the army you might like to think that you are fully aware and ready for the dangers and experiences that lie ahead. But nothing can prepare you for being captured by the ememy, knowing that no-one knows you’re alive, and being forced to beat to death your best friend – which in turn leads you to have a psychotic breakdown which is not helped by the knowledge that your wife kissed your brother. Though sometimes it’s best not to think about these things. We’re just saying.

#1 You’re a Parent… Taken

Being a parent is stressful and worrying – your kids won’t do as they’re told, they break curfew, they don’t tell you where they’re going, they make your life hell. Imagine then if you are exposed to two hours of film about someone’s daughter innocently going on holiday with a friend, only to be kidnapped, drugged up and sold as a prostitute somewhere in Europe! Quick honey, put the bars on their windows, they’re not going anywhere… this is no way to live.