In the sweet golden, popcorn-scented world of cinema, a film’s title can be almost as important as the content. Maybe The Secret Lives of Dentists is a wonderful, life-enriching experience – but for some reason it’s less memorable than say, Frankenhooker. So here are a list of film titles, that, love or hate them, are certainly distinctive and may be likely to cause snap judgments.

10. Morning Glory

I know it’s not big (ha ha), I know it’s not clever, but it is a little bit amusing and I like to picture some creative type in LaLa land sniggering into their latte after producing this title. Obviously, it’s a bit of a let down when you read the synopsis or watch the trailer and realise it has nothing at all to do with Rachel McAdams and Harrison Ford getting down and dirty before breakfast. Boo.

9. Donkey Punch

This just made me wanna know how an entire script was drafted around a rather vicious sex act (knocking out your partner mid-coitus? What fun!) that, let’s face it, is never going to end well (what do you think she’s going to punch when she comes to?). I also want to know who comes up with the names of these various random disturbing sex acts. Is there a specific office in the OED building?

8. All-American Orgy

A wonderfully paradoxical name that makes me think this will be a mix of wholesomeness and pure filth: a cross between a Stepford-wives style Debbie Does Dallas and Bring It On. I get images of giggly rumpy-pumpy with the sweet soundtrack of The Stars and Stripes and cries of “God Save America!”, with lots of pom poms, everyone being obnoxiously cheerful and never, ever ironic. “Honey, I brought the pumpkin-flavored condoms!”

7. Hot Tub Time Machine

I can understand why this film did well at the box office. Who wouldn’t want a hot tub and a time machine welded together to form one uber-entertaining party accessory? It conjures up images of a debauched, even more tongue-in-cheek Back to the Future, complete with plenty of booze, semi-nudity and self-referential humour. Unfortunately the film was kinda crap, which is such a waste of a great title. How about a remake in 20 years’ time?

6. Lesbian Vampire Killers

It may depend on your taste, age and perhaps your gender as to whether you thought this sounded like the most hilarious thing since Titty Titty Bang Bang, or something only to see as alternative to a night out on nails with your ex and his new supermodel girlfriend. Perhaps predictably, it turned out to be the latter – so much so that star James Corden said watching it would be too harsh a punishment for prisoners in Guantanamo Bay. Brutal but fair.

5. Cowboys & Aliens

When I first heard about this film, my head almost exploded thanks to the sheer awesomeness of its title, a totally unnecessary conglomeration of two entirely independent action genres. However, I admitted to myself that it would probably be some second-rate, CGI-on-a-string B-movie with piss-poor acting. Then I found out that the leads are Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig, with Jon Favreau directing and Spielberg producing – and my head couldn’t take it anymore.

4. P.S. I Love You.

Managing to distil an entire feature film’s worth of sugary, syrupy, tooth-dissolving storyline into just 10 letters, this title makes me want to smurf in my mouth (yes, I just did that). And that’s before I’ve even seen the trailer, which then just makes me want to kill something small and fluffy*.

3. Sharktopus

This title should be accompanied by its own Jaws-style theme music. It revels in its own awfulness (if you think it sounds amazing, first punch yourself then read this review) but also inspires you to create your own terrifying hybrid monsters. Crocokitty is my personal favourite.

2. Snakes on a Plane

At one point during the production of this ophidiophobic’s (hell yes) nightmare, the title was changed to Pacific Air Flight 121, which just goes to show that sometimes creative people are completely clueless. Mr Samuel L. Jackson, sensible man that he is, insisted that it was returned to its original, fabulously expository, heading. “That’s the only reason I took the job: I read the title,” the man is reported to have said. Quite right too.

1. Gnomeo and Juliet

I know everyone’s had a kick at this film, but let me add one more roundhouse to its grinning, smug little gnome-y head. I am willing to give a lot of leeway when it comes to Shakespeare, but taking one of his greatest plays and making an entire film around a small, ugly, porcelain garden doll-based pun is unforgiveable. Whoever first pitched this film should be condemned to watch Lesbian Vampire Killers until their eyes fall out.

*No baby animals were harmed in the making of this article.
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