#5 – Hellraiser

Man, these Cenobites really dig their Rubix Cubes.
Featuring a fantastic, mystic design, The Lament Configuration™ will make a wonderful gift for him, her, or even the kids! Watch them scream trying to solve this fiendish puzzle! The latest edition of The Lament Configuration™ comes with a brand new feature upon completion, a doorway to hell! The fun doesn’t stop there, though. You’ll soon be visited by three S&M Demons that guarantee fun for years.
And remember, JESUS WEPT.

 

#4 – Cube

Who the hell built this thing? The Cube is a massive murdertorium, with death-traps and acid and junk. Worst of all are the jerks roaming around inside, running round in circles trying to solve the puzzle of the Cube (what is with boxes and puzzles?) – unfortunately the Cuba appears to have no answer.
This is officially the most idiotic Canadian film about a cube that somehow manages to be entertaining despite its many flaws. At least it would be, if it weren’t for the sequel Cube 2: Hypercube.

 

#3 – Kill Bill Vol. 2

Uma Thurman spends about half the film in Paula Schultz, inside Bud’s crappy coffin. He didn’t even give her the dignity of a proper resting place, it’s just boards nailed together. Thankfully, (after a 30 flashback involving a flute solo, chopsticks and a very fine pair of eyebrows) our hero, [REDACTED], manages to punch her way out of the grave, leading to one of the most marvellous escapes in cinema.

 

#2 – The Box

You’d think, considering the name of the film, that The Box would feature the greatest box in all of cinema history. Perhaps it would be if it were a better film, but Richard Kelly’s The Box is a rather naff follow-up to the writer/director’s Donnie Darko (“go suck a fuck”) and Southland Tales (I will eat my own foot if you can sit through it).
Cameron Diaz (ugh) is married to James Marsden (ugh), and the couple are approached by Frank Langella (yay!), who gives them a box. The Box, in fact. It has a big, tempting button on top, and if they push the button, they will receive one million dollars, but it will also kill a random person SOMEWHERE in the world. And that’s pretty much the storyline. There’s some transportation water boxes thrown in for good measure, and some aliens turn up, and Cameron Diaz has a misshapen foot that she likes showing off to schoolchildren, and that’s all you ever need to know about The Box.

 

#1 – Se7en

“WHATS IN DA BAAAXS!?”

 

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