Sex is awful isn’t it? Sweaty rutting that fails to stimulate a beneficial experience greater than the nerves, the physical exertion or the time you could have spent playing Final Fantasy XIV. Hello ladies, why yes I am single. Like most crippling personality defects, revulsion of sex probably stems from cinema. The great sex scenes are bad enough, creating a standard for physical beauty, ambient lighting and stamina that a mortal male could never hope to achieve, but it’s the terrible sex scenes that have really burrowed deep into your psyche.

A bleak look at the unravelling life of a New York sex addict, Shame showcases brave work by director Steve McQueen and his second time collaborator, Michael Fassbender. Expertly shot and powerfully acted, the film takes an affliction often the subject of ridicule and uses it to tell an affecting story of vice and isolation.

The unseen footage from Apollo 18, which is released today, will give us historically accurate and scientifically verifiable accounts of why we never returned to the moon. On top of the rock-solid evidence provided by Apollo 18, we have compiled a list of intergalactic calamity that should keep your lunar escapades at bay.

Having committed numerous crimes against acting and decency over the last 20 years, news has emerged that Hollywood laughing stock Steven Seagal is being sued by a former assistant claiming that he sexually abused her and trafficked other women. Kayden Nguyen, 23, alleges that she was Seagal’s ‘sex toy’ and was sexually assaulted three times before fleeing his New Orleans home. Nguyen also added that Seagal kept two Russian ‘sex slaves’.