Everyone loves Stanley Tucci. You know him, he’s the little bald chap in The Devil Wears Prada. And the little bald chap in Julie & Julia. And the little bald chap in Burlesque. And the not-bald paedophile in The Lovely Bones. See? That’s how good an actor he is – sometimes he acts HAVING HAIR. He’s not actually gay, either. Feeling ignorant? Come inside…

Try all you like, LaBeouf, but you’ll never be a real boy.