Sometimes a film can be culturally and historically significant, depicting some of the most unspeakable acts of mankind. Others are poignant explorations of lonliness and nihilism. Some are just miserable. Here are some of the most depressing films you are likely to see, and since it’s the most wonderful time of the year, how to inject a little Christmas cheer and hopefully turn that frown upside down!

Requiem For A Dream

Bah! Humbug!

Tough examination of addiction, and the consequences it can have on the lives of those involved. Characters go through various stages of desperation as their dependences on various drugs take hold, leading to scenes of electric shock therapy, violence and nightmarish hallucinations.

How to add some festive cheer

Our characters drop the heroin and amphetamines, and discover the addictive nature of the new green ones in the tin of Quality Street. Driven to desperation, they resort to new lows to raise the money to buy more “Q-Street”, their relationships becoming strained as they take jobs in separate discount Christmas stores in the same high street. A happy ending is hinted at with news that Sainsburys are offering an insane offer of two tins for £10…

The Seventh Seal

Bah! Humbug!

Typically glum offering from happy chappy Ingmar Bergman, set in a plague-ravaged countryside. Known for the famous sequences of Max Von Sydow’s knight playing a high-stakes chess match against Death himself.

How to add some festive cheer

The title could be referring to the 7th door on an advent calendar, and that famous scene could easily be adapted to be a game of pictionary with the grandparents. Although that may be just as melancholy and doom-laden….

Dancer In The Dark

Bah! Humbug!

No list of downbeat films would be complete without some contribution from Dogme pioneer Lars Von Trier. Dancer In The Dark features a factory worker who is gradually going blind seeking the money to save her son’s sight. Her only refuge from her emotionally crippling world is music, as she daydreams elaborate routines spontaneously livening up her days. Without spoiling the ending, it feels like a punch to the stomach.

How to add some festive cheer

Dancer, Prancer, Donna and Blitzen In The Dark would be a much more positive film, as the four plucky reindeer race to find some replacement bulbs for their fairy lights. What’s that you say? Rudolph’s got a cold and can’t guide their sleigh tonight?? This shit just got real….

Grave Of The Firefiles

Bah! Humbug!

Studio Ghibli animation which is definately not one for the nippers, as the final days of World War 2 are depicted, with a harrowing scene in which the protagonist’s sister succumbs to malnutriton. Family breakdown and the devastation caused by nuclear warfare are amongst the key themes here.

How to add some festive cheer

Take the above synopsis, replace “World War 2” with “December”, “Malnutrition” with “The post-Christmas lunch snooze” and the final sentence with “Presents, the Radio Times, and a cute nativity play are all key themes here”

The Elephant Man

Bah! Humbug!

Harrowing account of the life of the heavily deformed John Merrick, who is shunned and treated like a freak his entire life. WIth other cheerful themes such as terminal illness and suicide, this is a real crowd pleaser.

How to add some festive cheer

Well, a title change to The Jolly Fat Man should do the trick! Overweight, and with a bushy white beard he is mocked mercilessly in the street, until he convinces people that if only they were to believe in him, then maybe, just maybe, they will see the true John. In the climactic scene, he escapes the baying mob in his magical sleigh, his “HO HO HO” echoing across the town, and the townspeople finally see the poor wretched outcast for what he really is. Ahhhh

Festen

Bah! Humbug!

Another offering from the shiny happy people behind the Dogme films, Thomas Vinterberg’s grim movie depicts a family gathering to celebrate the 60th birthday of the father, in which revelations are made of child molestation, rape, and suicide.

How to add some festive cheer

Well there’s an obvious name change here – Festen can so easily become Festive! (Exclamation mark required for added zanyness) The son should in fact accuse his father of hiding his true identity…the one and only Santa Claus! Cue wacky hi-jinks as he tries to explain away the huge quantities of mince pies and sherry he consumes, and just why he always had to go away ‘on business’ for the same night every year….