Spring’s come early to Best For Film Towers, and its tempting breezes have coaxed away some of the cuddly creatures who made this their home during the cold winter months. The Bear has dragged himself out of hibernation and lumbered away, the Otter has barrelled off in pursuit of some salmon or other, the nondescript Sylvanian Family creature is probably making pretend lemonade and the Wardrobe is creaking in a new office. Still, enough of the Old Guard remains to convey some good’n’citrusy film wisdom…

Magda (goes utterly mental when her name gets typoed into Madga):
This week I would love to see Inside Job, an expose of multinational industry fat cats and exactly how jowly and greedy they are. I have been told it is entertaining, incendiary and informative in such a way that the facts won’t melt like yesterday’s snow to leave one with only a vague sense of muddled self-righteousness. I do not want to see Big Mommas because the popcorn would stick in my throat and I would cry big girl’s tears.

ORANGE CHOICE: Inside Job
ULTIMATE LEMON: Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

Papa Neish (is now a projectionist, hurrah!):
I had to be quick so don’t use it if you don’t feel it’s up to scratch.

This week sees me struggling with a dilemma (not The Dilemma mind, that wasn’t so much a struggle as crap). With Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son and Just Go With It busy waving the flag for all that is wrong with the world, does that really leave Justin Bieber and his legion of drool-strewn groupies to stand up for all that is good and watchable? Never Say Never, indeed. For my money, however, I’d give up on this weeks’ releases all together and go watch Sanctum 3D again, it’s surprisingly awesome and could probably do with the admits.

ORANGE CHOICE: Sanctum 3D
NEISH’S MAD BANANA: Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D
ULTIMATE LEMON: Big Momma’s: Like Father, Like Son

Tash (will soon be hanging up her pen to knit full-time):
I’m going to throw my usual heady mix of inane metaphors and indecipherable nonsense out the window this Wednesday (apart from one small window metaphor) and instead simply implore all who live to go and see Inside Job. It’s very, very important. Please. It’s utterly unmissable. I’ll even pay you for the ticket (I won’t). In terms of what not to see, there can be only one. Just Go With It – I never had a nemesis until now.

ORANGE CHOICE: Inside Job
ULTIMATE LEMON: Just Go With It

John (appears to have drawn blood from his palms with his own fingernails):
I’d be lying if I said I particularly cared what you saw this week – there’s not much energy left in me for positivity. All that matters is that you ignore the diseased Neish and DO NOT SEE THE BIEBER FILM. I found out today that the waxwork which is even now being crafted of that child for Madame Tussaud’s may soon be out of date because his trademark mop of horrible pro-life hair is being cut for charity. How can you have a charity haircut, I hear you ask? It’s easy if you AUCTION THE TRIMMINGS. No lie. Every penny you put in that pint-size freak’s pocket goes to Beelzebub without even having VAT deducted.

ORANGE CHOICE: Anything but the fucking Bieber film
ULTIMATE LEMON: The fucking Bieber film

Blimey. Well, you certainly have your marching orders…