10.Steve Kloves Can’t Write For Shit

You know all the awful acting Daniel Radcliffe did during Harry Potter? Did you ever stop to think that, actually, everyone was doing the same amount of terrible acting, it’s just that scarface had the most (and therefore more unfortunate number of) lines to say? Steve Kloves, the man responsible for seven of the eight Potter scripts, is alright at Getting Stuff Happening in a condensed amount of time, and with everyone so bloody grateful that he didn’t just totally cut Dobby we all failed to notice that his scripts were chock-a-block with horrifying dialogue. Even industry greats struggled with anything off the healthy exposition track, so how on earth can we blame a fresh-faced young sapling for losing a few battles with clunking revelations? A small sample of Kloves dialogue:

*Long mournful walk*
Secondary character: (seemingly out of nowhere) “How come you didn’t do it?”
*a pause*
Harry: “How come I didn’t do what?”
Secondary character: “How come you didn’t do *the thing he could have done back there that he didn’t do for some reason probably involving nobility*”
*another pause. Meaning.*
Secondary character: (if not Hermione): It’s OK Harry, you can tell us
Secondary character (if Hermoine): It’s OK, HHHarry, you can tell us *removes cardigan*

Harry: Well, I just, I – *launches into monologue that Kloves can’t be bothered to work around in any naturalistic way*

Imagine that, but for 10 years of your life. The only ten years you have proper memories and feelings about.

9. He did a play that could have made him a laughing stock, and it didn’t

At some point, before he was even a grown-up, before he’d even had a chance to develop opinions about things, someone came to Daniel Radcliffe and said, “you know how you’re going to be Harry Potter forever? If you do this play, Equus, you might be known as Harry Potter… and the boy who shags horses.” And Daniel Racliffe looked directly into the camera, pulled off his shades, took a long draw on his cigar and said “… I like those odds.”

8. … And after that, he did a big old musical. And was bloody good at that and all

Does he fear nothing?

7. His life effectively ended as soon as he turned 11

He’s been in the public eye since J Rowling went “Yeah… turns out I don’t really care about the whole green eye thing after all”, and still has yet to party with Lohan. And by party, we mean Commit Crimes. And by we, we mean she. And by mean, we mean means. Yeah.

6. He loved booze once, apparently

We didn’t even know Radcliffe had it in him to be an alcoholic until he wasn’t one anymore. No Daily Mail Big Fonts, no long-thighed dollies with weepy pregnancy worries and tragic hair extensions, no irredeemable tattoos or exposes on ITV 2. The whole thing was deeply embarrassing, rather quiet, and over before you could say “oh go on then, what’s one more shandy?” All in all, it made us proud to be British. Excruciatingly British.

5. The Woman In Black will be really good

Watch the trailer and tell me that you’re not just a bit intrigued to see Danny be all worried about paperwork in a few big hats:

There’s no small amount of hype around the Woman In Black film, considering it’s an adaptation of a much-loved novel and a possibly even mucher-loved play. But hell, if anyone’s used to pressure, it’s the man-boy desperately aware that there’s a world out there waiting for him to FAIL FAIL oooh lovely glossy Daily Fail FAILURE. And with a screenplay by Jane “please try and forget about my tits” Goldman, a director who… yeah alright he’s only done Eden Lake but it had Fassbender in it so that clears that up, and the fact that IT’S NOT IN 3 BASTARD D, HURRAH – I genuinely think it is one to cock your face towards in 2012. You go, Danny boy. You grow your hair a bit and put on a suit- you do it like YOU MEAN IT.

4. He was far too good in Extras

Yes, it’s very easy to say that EVERYONE who appeared in Extras was great in Extras because it would have been almost impossible to get the Extras scripts wrong, but Radcliffe was especially grand for one reason and one reason alone – you’re not supposed to be able to laugh at yourself aged sixteen. Aged sixteen you’re supposed to be positively (and literally) greasy with the desire to be taken seriously – every follicle limp with disdain, every pore blocked by pure, unadulterated INSIGHT. Radcliffe was far too cheerful about his unavoidable public persona when he filmed his episode, and the resulting performance was as nuanced and tongue-in-cheek as anyone who’s spent a few decades slowly watching their hopes melt into foamy, inexplicable ashes.

3. You’re comparing him to Rupert Grint

Of course he’s never going to win that battle.

2. He’s desperately harmless. So very, very harmless.

Watching Daniel Radcliffe on a real-life chat show is like spotting an old high school class-mate on, well, a real-life chat show. Especially if you went to high school with Daniel Radcliffe. You’re struck with a temporary disbelief on actually seeing them next to proper celebrities, whilst fighting a rising panic that they’re going to make an utter arse out of themselves through no fault of their own – save a lack of knowledge on How To Be A Famous Person. He’s just one of us, you see. He’s just one of us, and somewhere along the way there’s been a horrible, horrible mistake.

Just watch it. The poor lamb.

1. At the end of the day, he’s going to have to deal with maniacs his entire life.

He’s going to be looking over his shoulder for this guy every day until the sweet release of death. Can’t we give him a break?