*After more than a month without reinforcements, Best For Film Towers is looking rickety and unswept. Tash is recovering from the effects of a slow-acting poison (HeyUGuys is suspected) whilst John nurses a wound inflicted during a brutal skirmish with Little White Lies. Things are desperate.*

Tash (so empty):
Yes, you’re sick of hearing it, but you should go and see The Artist. In many ways, being sick of hearing things is actually very helpful, it being a film of soothing silence and all. There’s just nothing not to love about it, but most of all there is nothing not to love about John Goodman’s marvellous staring pop-eyes and the fact that Uggie the dog is apparently available for interview. In terms of what not to watch, I think I’m going to give The Iron Lady a miss. Yes, fine, it’s Meryl Streep being amazing, but you can watch literally any film with Meryl Streep in and that will still be the case. Like Mamma Mia, for instance. Totally watching Mamma Mia tonight, thinking about it. It’s kind of like a silent film, right?

Orange Choice: The Artist
Ultimate Lemon: The Iron Lady

Kayleigh (dodging Jeffrey Dean Morgan at every turn):
I’m in Bristol. I feel like I’ve fallen into a slower, more peaceful era. You know what that means? I need to see The Artist. Oh I know I’ve oranged it every single week in 2012, but that’s because it’s amazing. Pure escapism, wrapped up in a sexy ball of black and white romance. In fact, I want to be IN The Artist. I’m a dab hand (or foot) at the Charleston, so it’d only add points to all those epic reviews the film’s secured over the last few weeks! I’m lemoning every other film. That’s right, every single other film. Vive The Artist!

Orange Choice: The Artist
Ultimate Lemon: All other films

Papa Neish (the Galactic Senator for Alderaan):
I could be hugely boring and simply repost my OWLs from last week – after all, The Artist is still the best movie showing in cinemas and Goon is forever destined to look slightly less appealing than bowel cancer – but, really, what’s the use in repeating yourself? The film you should all be watching this week is The Iron Lady. Whatever your opinions of the woman herself, there is no denying that Meryl Streep excells in the role and that Olivia Colman does a mean Carol Thatcher. As far as lemons go, I’m pretty sure New Year’s Eve is still outstaying its welcome in cinemas.

Orange Choice: The Iron Lady
Ultimate Lemon: New Year’s Eve

*Three in a row for The Artist, if you acknowledge Papa Neish’s deeper feelings. How long can this winning streak continue?*

Florence (DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUMDUMDUMDUM):
I have a confession to make. Last week, as many of you may be aware, I decided to Lemon The Artist. What can I say, it was a moment of madness. Sheer madness. I look back now and shudder, whilst I sit here slowly chewing my way through my best hat. Because let me assure you, The Artist is sublime. Beautifully filmed and charmingly acted, this film absolutely deserves your Orange this week. There’s a delightful turn by a dog in it as well. Just go see it, yeah? YEAH?? My Lemon goes to Mother and Child, which is a rather turgid affair about abortions and stuff. It’s pretty good for the first half, but then it goes rapidly downhill and suddenly there’s a blind girl who’s super wise? Just don’t bother.

Orange Choice: The Artist
Ultimate Lemon: Mother and Child

*Is everyone going to Orange The bloody Artist? Sheesh.*

DVB (denimtastic):
Brad Bird’s animated classic The Iron Giant has been causing salty rivulets of joy to stream down my cheeks for years now, so I can’t wait to see this week’s sequel, The Iron Lady. Someone should have told him that that’s Maggie Thatcher’s nickname, he’ll be well embarrassed when he finds out. Though as long as that Mamma Mia berk doesn’t decide to make a tediously worthy but overtly safe biopic about her life that relies heavily on an impression-based performance to disguise its own crippling lightness, I’m sure there’ll be no copyright disputes.
As someone with basically zero interest in football and even less in Arsenal FC, I won’t be seeing Goon. If it were an ice hockey movie starring Stifler then I’d be all over it. But it isn’t. It definitely isn’t.

Orange Choice: The Iron Lady
Ultimate Lemon: Goon

John (conflicted):
This week I’m Oranging The Iron Lady, because I like Meryl Streep and Phyllida Lloyd and Abi Morgan and Jim Broadbent and Olivia Colman and Mamma Mia. I’m also Lemoning The Iron Lady, because I don’t like ‘biopics’ which ignore anything of substance or Thatcher and her culture of relentless privatisation which inexorably led to the fall of the UK Film Council as soon as the fucking Tories got back in. What? This is what you get for taking away our free school milk, bitch.

Orange Choice: The Iron Lady
Ultimate Lemon: The Iron Lady

*Oh, apparently not. Off you go and see The Artist again, then! See you next week…*