*It’s week A MILLION without any bloody interns, and tempers are starting to fray at Best For Film Towers. Tash has resorted to dying her hair pink and fantasising about Zefron, John is working his way through a catalogue of Victorian illnesses and Bane can’t even be bothered to disagree any more. Things are serious.*

John (dying of death):
Obviously, OBVIOUSLY you must see Avengers Assemble if you haven’t already (which you probably have, since it had one of the best opening weekends in UK cinema history). You can’t possibly need more reasons to do that, but just in case you do here are some: Joss Whedon, Robert Downey Jr, Mark Ruffalo, Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L Jackson and, amazingly, the pop-eyed bitch (she’s really good!). Assemble in the foyer, yo. In other news, is anyone – anyone – actually considering American Reunion? It’s not 2001 any more, guys. Grow the fuck up.

Orange Choice: Avengers Assemble
Ultimate Lemon: American Reunion

Papa Neish (is considering a ‘reserved for Joss’ tattoo on his tongue):
While American Reunion and The Lucky One are set to début today for your BOGOF pleasure, there is really only one film this week worthy of your precious voucher. Avengers Assemble, Joss Whedon’s first time back in the director’s chair since 2005’s superb Serenity, is quite simply THE superhero movie of 2012. An eclectic mix of some of the genre’s weirdest heroes, the film combines Whedon’s smarts with Marvel’s trademark spectacle to thrilling effect. Most importantly of all, however, the film taps into the joyous spirit of the source material, giving it the edge over Marc Webb’s gritty Spider-Man reboot and Christopher Nolan’s brooding man-bat. Oh, and Gone‘s still hanging in there, but you’d know better than to watch that, wouldn’t you?

Orange Choice: Avengers Assemble
Ultimate Lemon: Gone

Tash (pink hair, black soul):
If there’s one horrifying thing we’ve learnt from the Nicholas Sparks back catalogue, it’s that people are approz 500% sexier when they’re devastated. Careful how you tread around The Lucky One, then – his latest Zefron vehicle where every single character is so weepingly upset that you’ll probably explode with desire. It’s just not the kind of pressure you need on a Wednesday, is what I’m saying. Instead, go and watch Avengers Assemble for God’s sake. It’s Joss so very marvellous, not to mention the best thing to happen to Marvel since Batman Forever – OH HELLO!

Orange Choice: Avengers Assemble
Ultimate Lemon: The Lucky One

*Will anyone break free of Whedon’s sinister charm and ignore Avengers Assemble? Oh, apparently Kayleigh will. Thanks, Kayleigh!*

Kayleigh (working her way towards a tonsure):
In 1796, oranges were a very rare treat, especially if you were living a life of religious solitude. Probably. Either way, I’m presenting a juicy specimen to The Monk, which promises to deliver 92 minutes of cassocks-off ecclesiastical depravity. Who doesn’t love a gothic brooding thriller, packed with temptation, self-loathing and sexy sexy forbidden sexiness? On the other hand, I don’t want to see American Reunion. Why do they need to reunite? Why can’t we all just use our IMAGINATIONS and each decide our own fate for the characters we used to love some billion years ago? They might have received better, fulfilling futures if they’d stuck to the confines of my brain but, as it is, they’re being pelted to death with lemons. LEMON PIE AIN’T SO SWEET, IS IT?

Orange Choice: The Monk
Ultimate Lemon: American Reunion

*AVENGERS AVENGERS AVENGERS! See you next week.*