As far as we can tell, the scorched, crumbling Blackwell Hotel sounds like five star accommodation, Sochi-style. But the added advantage of the decrepit deathtrap from See No Evil (did ANYONE actually see See No Evil? Even though Kane was in it?) is its live-in psychopath, moulded by childhood abuse and religious mania into a monster who loves nothing more than to rip people’s eyes out. Good reasons not to have eyes in Sochi right now: 1) winter sports are boring, 2) you don’t have to look at the stains on your mattress 3) there’s no chance of you accidentally looking at someone of the same sex and then being killed by the secret police.
#4 – Yankee Pedlar Inn (The Innkeepers)
For a proper analysis of why The Innkeepers is a great film, head to our Abattoir Blues column for Duncan’s superb Ti West primer. For comparisons to Sochi, just think about that piano that plays itself. AS IF there’s any gentle entertainment available in the Winter Olympics Gulag. Plus the staffing is very impressive, although there’s probably a reason that Premier Inn haven’t tried the “Our hotels are thronged with vengeful ghosts waiting to help with your perfect holiday!” marketing tack.
#3 – Hotel Transylvania (Hotel Transylvania)
Putin’s never going to leave his golden palace to visit the Sochi press pen, so there wouldn’t be any point taking an umbrella full of ricin on behalf of the world’s LGBT community (not to mention everyone who objects to seeing topless men in their sixties on horseback); but if you visit Hotel Transylvania, there’s a good chance you’ll actually get to murder Adam Sandler. And Andy Samberg. And Kevin James, David Spade, Selena Gomez, Jon Lovitz, Molly Shannon and Adam Sandler’s entire family, who are all in it as well (no use just killing the weed, you have to stop it ever coming back). Maybe forget about the ricin umbrella and just pack a bomb.
#2 – Bates Motel (Psycho)
Alright, so Janet Leigh gets stabbed to death. But she’s a rich, vulnerable white girl travelling alone with loads of cash – in Russia, where domestic violence is literally not treated as illegal (the Wikipedia page for ‘Women in Russia’ notes that the Duma first drafted a law addressing it in 1996, 35 years after the USSR put a man in space), a quick death would probably be the best she could hope for. Also, she died whilst having a hot shower – another impossible dream for the legions of journalists currently washing their hair in yak’s milk or whatever.
#1 – Excelsior Hotel (The Witches)
At least there’s a good, solid, witch-based explanation for why it’s full of rodents.
Where would you rather stay than Putin’s post-Soviet holiday camp? Let us know below!
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