Rarely has a week been so dripping in cinematic GOOD. Why even bother having friends when you can simply sit in the darkness and watch people you don’t know go about their lives? We call it ORANGE WEDNESDAY, you perhaps just call it What I Do Every Night. Every Horrifying Night.

Ewan McGregor is making girls cry all over the UK again in Perfect Sense, a love story set in a world of despair and doom. To celebrate our favourite Scottish hotty’s return to independent drama, we’ve decided to have a look back over his film career. Mmm. Especially The Pillow Book; there’s nothing like a bit of full frontal nudity to get us in the mood for fab film facts courtesy of the Cheat Sheet!

With David Fincher’s remake/adaptation of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo about to hit our screens, and the rumour mill about an English adaptation of the Old Boy going into overdrive, we thought it was the perfect time to remind everyone of the horrors of Getting The Remake Wrong. There are many, many re-workings that never should have been attempted, but heck we’re all busy, so in the name of convenience we’ve handily we’ve whittled it down to the top 5 we’ll never forgive…

To acknowledge (but not celebrate) the now-unavoidable release of Johnny English Reborn, we’ve looked back at some of Rowan Atkinson’s less creatively bankrupt roles to put together a mighty Atkinson Megazord. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen a king of beasts with quite so little hair…

On Thursday 13th October the Tricycle, in collaboration with DocHouse, will host a special Q&A following the UK premiere of groundbreaking documentary The Pirate Tapes.

Ah, Friday. Had a long week of being a grown-up and slogging your guts out at the office, wearing varying shades of grey or black and pretending to be happy about it? We pity you, we really do, which is why we’ve given you this alcoholic return to childhood with the vastly inappropriate Lion King drinking game. Let me hear you ROAR!

God, it’s another Wednesday. We’ll all be dead soon enough, one wonders why we bother crawling out from under our rocks day after day to drag ourselves through this ‘life’ charade we seem so fond of… Still, as long as we’re putting the effort in we might as well go to the pictures, eh? For the 39th consecutive week, we tell you exactly what to see:

Kirsten Dunst is miserable again, and we for three cannot wait to see why! Celebrating the release of Lars von Trier’s Melancholia with a look back at Kirsten’s life in film, we present the Cliff Notes on a career that has gone from saving the planet from sentient children’s toys to just having a big, tired sit on the ground in order to watch the world burn. She once kissed Brad Pitt and hated it; how many 11-year-olds can say that?

Wondering what to fill your days with in 2012? We recommend some light viewing, considering the world will probably be over then. Here are our best and worst for next year. Prepare to be angry, then a little happy, then quite confused, and then happy again.

Everyone’s got an opinion on dogs; either you like nothing more than to fling sticks, collect turds and have your face licked (bringing you just one degree of bacterial separation away from canine penis) or you’d rather all vets started offering complimentary sack’n’brick combos with every collar bought. Hollywood’s certainly not exempt from our collective love affair with hounds; but what do John and Caroline think? It’s time to Face/Off…