Orange(Wednesday)s And Lemons #40

*With so much excellent viewing fodder on offer and so few people in the office, there’s a rather delightful calm about BFF towers. If by delightful calm you mean Tash being horrible to everyone for not doing enough work for her for free. Which you do.*

Tash (can’t stop, got eighteen other things to have really brilliant opinions about):

To be honest, you’d have to be pretty thick to end up seeing a rubbish film this week. Almost every cinema seat you flop into will be pointing at something excellent: Perfect Sense, Lion King 3D, Drive, Tinker Tailor – how is anyone supposed to choose? Thank God for the OWLs, eh? I’ll make this easy for you: Tyrannosaur. Go and watch Tyrannosaur. A gorgeously bleak little drama about raging against those we love – it’s not exactly feel-good, but it’s an absolute must-see. And please don’t bother with Melancholia. Two hours of elegant horses lying down in slow motion.

Orange Choice: Tyrannosaur
Ultimate Lemon: Melancholia


John (Sends accidental jumper updates to those who couldn’t care less):
After the crushing disappointment of You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger, I was a bit reluctant to see Midnight In Paris. I’m so glad I bothered. Woody Allen’s latest is a charming and superbly-made fantasy which marries fine performances and impersonations with a magical plot; do see it if you can, preferably at the expense of Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark. Guy Pearce, what on earth are you doing? Stop playing in the dirt with those homunculi, they’ll steal your teeth AND your credibility in one easy motion.

Orange Choice: Midnight in Paris
Ultimate Lemon: Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark


Papa Neish (Just can’t wait 3D king):

As if you even needed to ask. The Lion King 3D should be reigning supreme over your week’s viewing itinerary, the chance to re-experience one of the greatest animated movies of all time comprising the very definition of a no-brainer. Re-mastered and eye-popped into 3D, the rerelease promises to blow you away as a newly stereoscopic torrent of wildebeest stampede right into your gaping face. Also rereleased this week is Johnny English, now playing under the revised title of Reborn. A largely new cast play out the key events of the first movie with a returning Rowan Atkinson settling comfortably (but uninspiringly) into default mode.
Orange Choice: The Lion King 3D
Ultimate Lemon: Johnny English 2: Johnny English reborn

Caroline (paid to research Asian porn):

In a somewhat infamous review of Last Night, our own John Underwood printed the truest words in film: “Nobody actually wants to see a dramatic romance, do they?” That’s right John, THEY DON’T. If I’m going to watch a romance, I want it to be either A) hilarious or B) in support of a larger, more exciting storyline. I’m sure Perfect Sense is great and everything, but do I really want to watch Ewan McGregor and a Bond girl slowly going deaf for two hours? No, not really. Not for fun. Instead, I’m with the Papa of Neish: I’ll be going to backcomb my hair into a mane and get my rocks off at Lion King 3D. Who doesn’t love the Lion King? For that matter, who doesn’t love lions? Personally, I’ve been harbouring a crush on Scar for years. He’s like the David Bowie of the lion world, isn’t he?

Orange Choice: The Lion King 3D
Ultimate Lemon: Perfect Sense


DVB (changed his twitter handle, much to the world’s despair):

GO TO THE CINEMA TONIGHT ALL OF YOU. Seriously, there are five or six great films out at the moment, which is, unfortunately, a sure sign of the impending apocalypse. With that in mind, even though Tyrannosaur is probably a better film, I’m going to opt for Melancholia because 1. I can vouch for its goodness and 2. It makes that impending apocalypse seem both terrifying and like A Good Thing. If you go and see either Johnny English or the Musketeers film, shame on you, especially if you think it’s OK for Milady to fight in a f*cking ball gown.

Orange Choice: Melancholia
Ultimate Lemon: The Three Musketeers


Lydia (who hasn’t seen Daria for God’s sake?):

This week I want to see Melancholia, despite the fact that Lars Von Trier became the first person to be declared officially unwelcome at Cannes after his Nazi remarks. Apparently Kristen Dunst sheds her bint status and does some acting, and I for one would like to see that. It’s one of those films you need to see on the big screen, and I don’t want to miss out. My lemon is Drive. It’s about cars. And even if it’s not about cars (a woman in the US recently sued the production company for false advertising claiming there is not enough car footage and the trailer is mis-leading) it has Ryan Gosling in it. Stop being so transparent in film production! Men like cars. Women like Ryan Gosling. I hate them both. If that makes me non-gendered, then bring on the smooth Ken and Barbie-like down below bits.

Orange Choice: Melancholia
Ultimate Lemon: Drive


*A veritable smorgasbord of visual delights. And The Three Musketeers. What are your choices? USE YOUR WORDS, NOT YOUR SWORDS:*

About The Author