We have an apology to make – all December we’ve been trying to brighten up your wintry days with little snippets of Christmas cheer, but we never realised the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not a man in a red coat, or even a baby in a manger – it’s a train conductor who steals children in the night and makes them drink his steaming hot chocolate (provenance unknown). Definitely that.

“Hot! HOT! Yeah, we got it!” We think we heard that song in a porno once…