To ‘celebrate’ the release of 3D Sex and Zen, the so-called “saviour of 3D” (thanks, The Guardian) which is actually mostly about how funny it is when women get raped until they die, we thought it’d be worth compiling some more of the less acceptable opinions which a sufficiently poorly-travelled watcher of films set in the perfumed Orient could conceivably accept as fact. Uncork that sake, and remember – if it’s subtitled, it can’t be racist!

Take one sip (Japanese horror):

Whenever someone with long hair turns out to be a ghost. Or a tree.
Whenever a child stands behind the principal character in a nightgown. Drink twice if the nightgown is dripping wet. Third drink if there’s pond weed on it.
Whenever people continue to do something which will definitely make them die even after this has been conclusively demonstrated to them. DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE/WATCH THE TAPE/GET EYE TRANSPLANTS!

Take two sips (ninja action):

Whenever a fight choreographer includes ‘walls’ and ‘ceiling’ in the list of enemies. Drink twice if the wall is made of paper.
Whenever a peasant is a) improbably wily or b) actually the son of someone important. Bloody princes, always slumming it.
Whenever being perpetually drunk not only fails to wreck your relationships and future, it actually turns out to make you better at fighting. “I don’t need you, Little Feng. I only need wine!”

Take three sips (samurai epics):

Whenever an old man is very wise. Or a buffoon. Or wise and a buffoon (it’s a Zen thing).
Whenever a prostitute, handmaiden, waitress or other feeble female type actually turns out to be improbably badass. Generally speaking, their badassedness will be directly proportional to how ornate their hairslides are.
Whenever Honour Happens. You’ll know, there will be stirring music. Gotta love bushido…

BANZAI!

Whenever something or someone looks, sounds or moves like anything other than a ninja, but then turns out to be a ninja. One of these days someone will make a film where the Great Wall turns out to be made from ninja trolls. Trust.

Gan bei! Try not to vomit on the Mah Jonng board, it’s an antique…