This week, it’s all been about Charlie Sheen. Hopefully you’ve been boning up on his choicest quotes and you know what to expect, so your weekend should pan out pretty comfortably; just settle down with YouTube and a bottle of bourbon (plus cocaine and some hookers, one of which you will threaten to kill, if you want the full 3D experience) and pick the interview of your choice. Happy boozing, and don’t forget – no matter how pissed you are by the end, don’t ever be tempted to try taking Charlie Sheen. It’s bad enough having to clean up your flatmate’s vomit at the end of the night, but finding your children weeping over your melted face and exploded body is likely to really turn things sour.

Take one sip when:

Charlie calls his girlfriends (yes, plural) ‘goddesses’. Extra sip if the one who’s a porn star is euphemistically referred to as an ‘adult entertainer’ or similar.

Charlie claims to be a warlock or to have anything to do with warlocks (eg “[This watch is] the only watch that keeps warlock time.” Being a Vatican assassin counts.

Charlie professes the ability to transmute base metals (eg tin cans) into gold, possibly with the aid of his “fire-breathing fists.”

Take two sips when:

Charlie claims to be a plane. Extra sip if the plane isn’t an F18, because we love variety. Ten thousand extra sips if he specifically claims to be Howard Hughes’ Spruce Goose.

Jews, Martians or disabled children are in any way defamed. Extra drink if you too think that “Droopy-eyed armless children” sound like Silent Hill monsters.

Any reference is made to Charlie’s body containing things it should not. This could simply refer to drugs, of course, but look out for claims that he’s packed full of “tiger blood” or “Adonis DNA”. Down your drink if you discover anything at all about rocket fuel living in the tip of his sabre.

Drink all the drinks in the world when:

The interviewer tries to ask a proper question eg “Hey Charlie, how come you’ve got a twenty-year history of beating up pretty much every woman in your life?” and Charlie successfully distracts them with talk of warlocks

Anything is ‘gnarly’. You be the judge of this one.

You’re WINNING. Duh!

If you’re not a frickin’ rock star from Mars by the end of that, you’re beyond help.