The thing about dancing is that it all goes so much better when there’s alcohol involved. Whether you favour a Watermelon Cooler (a la Dirty Dancing) or just a simple Tequila Sunrise, you’ll find that your hips are more likely to start their swayin’ when they’re full of booze. Add this to a stack full of danc flick DVDs and you have a recipe for totally bona fide grooviness…

Take one sip…

Whenever someone spins on their head

In a modern-day dance flick, it ain’t over until SOMEONE spins on their god-damn head. It’s the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae, the icing on top of the cake and the ultimate fast-track route to premature hairloss. Check out that head-spinners awesome locks. Study them. Mourn their oncoming death…

Whenever there’s a montage

Is the star of your movie finding it hard to master those all-important dance steps? Never fear! The montage sequence will smooth away every left-footed mistake… there’s just something so very effective about learning your routine outside of the space-time continuum. Don’t believe me? Check out Save The Last Dance and Dirty Dancing!

Whenever dancing is an acceptable form of protest

Has your town banned dancing and music FOREVER? Does your father treat you like an absolute BABY? Is racial inequality making you ANGRY? Then dance, my darling little rebel. Dance like you’ve never danced before. It’s the ultimate way to file a feetition, after all.

STEP UP (AND TAKE A SHOT)… if the dancer is a happy little penguin

Take two sips…

Whenever the previously considered underdog turns out to be, like, a super-wicked mover

Nikki Blonsky, Renée Zellweger, Jennifer Grey and Christina Aguilera all have one thing in common; they wipe the dancefloor of those other average groovers and prove that being the underdog is the ONLY way to get ahead in the dance movie genre. One was too fat, one was too married, one was too rich and one was JUST A WAITRESS. All of these are valid reasons for someone’s inability to dance well; who the eff ever heard of someone dancing post-marriage, for crying out loud? And yet all of these gals, each and every single one, ended up stealing the show with a bit of nifty footwork.

Make sure you have an extra sip if someone trots out the old “you can’t judge a book by its cover” bollocks.

Whenever someone dances in unsuitable weather conditions

Singing in the rain is all well and good, but DANCING in the rain? Gene Kelly is definitely dicing with death when he cavorts around the streets in a near-monsoon, wearing nothing more sensible on his feet than a pair of tap shoes. They’ll rust, for christ’s sake! Not only that, but all it takes is one foot outta place and Gene’ll have speared himself with his own umbrella. Have three sips if you like actually; you’ll need it to calm your nerves…

Whenever there’s innumerable sequels

The best thing about dance films is that there is so many of them. So very many. So Step Up as many times as you want and go absolutely mental…

Whenever the currently reigning dance champion has a massive attitude problem.

For some reason the ability to dance at an above-average level means that you lose your human soul. Ashley Tisdale and Catherine Zeta-Jones are prime examples of how being an absolute bitch goes hand-in-hand with a delightful dubstep. The only exception to this rule is in Dirty Dancing, where current dance queen isn’t a bitch at all. Mind you, while she he doesn’t lose her soul, but she does almost lose her LIFE during a botched abortion. Which is, if you think about it, probably worse…

BONUS ROUND… try downing your pint before the dance finale is finished. The last person to finish has to be put in the corner.

Where’s your Patrick Swayze now, eh? Oh…oh yeah. We forgot. S’bit awkward now, isn’t it?

Take three sips…

Whenever two people from different dance disciplines come together… with sexy results

Dancing is sexy. We get that. And confrontation is sexy too. So, when folks CONFRONT over DANCE MATTERS, yo’ve a recipe for something even more sizzling than the Colonel’s finger-lickin’ good chicken. Ballet versus street dancing. Latin versus street dancing. Ballroom versus st… ok. So it’s generally some form of street dancing versus those rubbish conventional move-busters. The rule book gets thrown through the window, the ballet shoes come off and things get steamy… Check the Step Ups and StreetDances for more info.

Whenever someone gets inexplicably wet

The thing I’ve found, with dancing, is that it’s not proper dancing until someone gets water tossed all over them. Flashdance did it. Step Up did it. Mamma Mia did it. Even Colin Firth had a bash at it in Pride And Prejudice (although he forgot his dance moves, because he’s an absolute IDIOT!).

Whenever things happen in 3D.

Whaddaya mean, you don’t understand? What’s the point of a dance movie if things don’t pop out the screen? A casually tossed-aside hat becomes a terrifying missile, a twitching shoulder becomes a character all of its own and those high-kicks will have you wincing and covering your crown jewels. 3D makes life better. Always-always.

Whenever the dance says more than words ever can!

If you are the hero of your own dance flick, you needn’t bother with boring conversation. Sure, it may be considered as necessary by some, you know, to get the plot rolling but (and this is the big BUT) dancing does it all far better. Billy Elliot tells us that there is no such thing as gender, class or inequality… there is only dance. You can tell by his little scrunched up face and tightly-closed eyes. Nina tells us that she has finally embraced her dark and sexual nature when she takes on the role of the formidable Black Swan. And little Inez, with her magically moving feet, helps us realise that racial differences mean NADA when it comes to the dancefloor. Words are obsolete; say it with your FEET!

QUICK, THE RHYTHM’S GONNA GET YOU! DRINK! DRIIIIIIINK!!!

Whenever spontaneous dancing breaks out unexpectedly and everyone (and we mean EVERYONE) knows the routine

Whenever the streets break out into a jazzy song ‘n’ dance number, we always find ourselves on the outskirts. Stumbling over the steps, trading on people’s feet and, generally, making an absolute tit of ourselves, we usually end up defeatedly stumbling away from the masses and sobbing as we wait for all of their joyful footwork to be over. HOW DO THEY ALWAYS KNOW THE ROUTINE? From the Blues Brothers to Grease to Footloose, choreography is basically something that happened to everybody else in the world; who needs dance lessons when you have GUT INSTINCTS?!

Drink up. Drink up and cry about your shortcomings.

Can you dance? Can you teach us? Please…?