We have wondered for quite some time now if the world is just completely drunk. It makes no sense otherwise that a completely crappy book pushing Mormonism down people’s throats has achieved such superstar status. Then again, Adolf Hitler and the Nazi Party managed to brainwash Germany quite well with no booze needed. We’re not really comparing Stephenie Meyer to Hitler…ok, maybe just a little. Anyway, get ready for the last time you have to watch Robert Pattinson try hard to emote! My, Edward, what topaz eyes you have. Almost exactly the colour of… lager…

Take one sip

Every time Bella mumbles
Have you ever heard Kristen Stewart try to talk? Mumble, mumble, mumble, I’m so edgy. Mumble, mumble, mumble, I didn’t cheat on you Rob. Oh wait, yes I did. Mumble, mumble.

Each time you see man tits on screen
Trying desperately hard to stop Bella from running off with one of the living dead, Jacob (a great big ruddy wolf…yeah that’s better than a vampire) repeatedly struts around with his top off. They live in a cold and rainy part of the world. Nipple erections and a hot torso will never not make us see this as anything other than bestiality. For the love of God, put a shirt on man!

Whenever someone says Vampire
We know that this is likely to happen a lot. Trust us though, liver disease is a whole lot less painful than sitting through all five films.

Take two sips

Whenever Edward says he is ‘dangerous’
Have vampires never heard that women like dangerous men? Although most of us will settle for a guy whose uppermost danger level is crossing the road before the green man appears, Edward just takes it to new heights. Sometimes literally with all of that tree climbing. Stop messing with her Cullen and just take her out for a bite! Not that kind of bite…

Each time there is an unnecessary close up of someone’s face
It’s not big, it’s not clever, it’s lazy film making. Please just stop it.

Take three sips

Each time someone looks sad/is sad
For a story about love there sure is a whole lotta whinging in these films. ‘Oh no, I love him too much.’ ‘Oh no, he’s dead’. ‘Oh no, I don’t know if I’m into necrophilia or shagging animals.’ There are so many hard decisions in a girl’s life these days no wonder Bella permanently has a face like a slapped arse. Take a leaf out of Fifty Shades of Grey. Slapped arses don’t seem quite so sad in that format…

Every time someone sparkles
You would think if you were over two hundred years old then maybe Head and Shoulders would have eventually made itself known to you. No matter how many times Bella says it’s beautiful we all know that a healthy scalp is the first step to a healthy head.

Whenever Bella touches her hair
Keeping with the good hair health thing here. Bella, chill the fuck out, your locks aren’t going anywhere…

Suck it you vampire!

Neck your drink each time Stephenie Meyer hits you in the face with the Book of Mormon
Hey kids, you may feel these strange urges deep down in your loins. Whatever you do… don’t act on them! No sex for you, Bella. Not before you get married. Just make sure you marry a controlling, sparkly twat who wants to eat you out in a ridiculous fashion and nibble your neck till you bleed and die. Jesus, it’s all so awful we’re off down t’pub right bloody now.

Drink film fans, drink until you remember a sweeter pre-Twilight time… See you Monday.

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