So, Secret Cinema – the organisation dedicated to fusing unique screenings of classic films with amazing live-action experiences – is BACK. Their latest efforts are running until the 1st July, and considering their spotless record, you have no excuse not to make an appointment. But doing things is much more of a pain than not doing things and no-one understands that better than the people who spend their days huddled in the comforting, cinema-based dark. Which is why we decide to step out into the fray for you. Having enjoyed the splashy, sweaty and excessively boozy delights of Secret Cinema yesternight, we’re all the more convinced it’s for you disgusting fiends -and we’ve got 10 ways to keep you on the right side of homicidal.

10. Don’t do too much research

Sure, it’s always nice to know what to expect from an evening. But trust, the clue is in the name. You want to retain an element of mystery, right? Everything you need to know about your Secret Cinema adventures will be sent to you by the Brave New Ventures team upon you buying a ticket (something you can do here, if you’re already feeling a little less conversation and a little more action). Go poking about the humid jungle that is the interwebz and you’re sure to be confronted with a toothy, spoileriffic hyena. And no-one wants to be eaten by a ruined surprise. Or something.

9. Do the costume thing and do it properly

Yes, sure, the rules of being a socially acceptable human being is that you never make an effort with anything, ever, for fear of being labelled a Mega Keeno Stretch Wanker. But believe us when we say that Secret Cinema is the exception. People bloody well try. Just look at these jokers:

And if you don’t think that’s hot, it’s probably because you’re insane. The amount of effort you make with your costume is directly proportional the likelihood of you having sex that evening. Sure, it’s also proportial to the likelihood of you getting beaten to a bloody pulp on the way home, but frankly that’s by the by.

8. Chat to everyone.

Secret Cinema hire a lot of actors, is the thing. They hire a lot of out of work actors, most of whom would give their right mincing claw to get into a jovial, fiction-based dispute. In a typical Secret Cinema event, it is not unlikely that a man will come up to you and ask “Excuse me sir, will you be leading the Yoga class later?” Ignoring the fact that he thought I was a man, I immediately jumped in with “YES, YES COMRADE I SHALL”, and an extensive discussion of the benefits of stretching after hyper-sleep later, we were best buds. For literally minutes. Go along with the whole charade thing, is what I’m saying – for the poor, KFC-advert-chasing buggers’ sake.

7. Take money.

Cash-points? What cash-points?

6. Try not to rip up that money you brought

This is, possibly, more specific to my own personal experience than a general rule, but IMPORTANT NOTES are IMPORTANT TO NOTE, regardless of context. And hey – if you want to see one of those actors I mentioned collapse out of character with all the grace of rhino on fire, try accidentally tearing a twenty pound note in half whilst bringing it out of your wallet with a flourish.

5. Explore.

Particularly pertinent to THIS incarnation of Secret Cinema, this rule. Though we don’t want to give too much away, it’s safe to say that your cinematic playground is EXTENSIVE. Keep wandering, and you’ll find such joys as a glow in the dark ping-pong table, a mutation-tastic art gallery, a nursery filled with mysterious (as well as not so mysterious) ‘specimens’, some beautiful glass installations and lasers. Just so many lasers. Who doesn’t fucking love lasers, right?

4. Be a dick

A note similar to that of the costume one – the point of this evening is to GET INVOLVED. Throughout this evening people will be shouting out for volunteers to complete missions, to take on tasks and to perform mysterious jobs. It’s all too easy to think to yourself ‘hey, is that ANOTHER bar?’ (it always is) and slope cunningly off to the hazy corners, but don’t give in to the impulse. For once in your life, stick your hand up and allow yourself to be led off into the dark with a stranger. You absolutely will not regret it. Until you do, of course, but helpfully by that point it’ll be far too late.

3. Take something warm to wear

British weather + mysterious adventure = everything waterproof forever. We all know that, right?

2. Don’t drink too much

We’re not even trying to be your mum here. Our point is not to avoid intoxication (the people here happily sell you shots of jager and God bless them for it), the point is that by the time you get to the film itself you a) want a bloody good seat and b) don’t want to be running to the bladder pump every ten minutes. If you’re gonna drink (yes you are), just keep in the back of your mind that the smaller the amount you take in, the smaller the amount you’ll need to release. Newton, innit.

1. Tell no-one

See how we managed not to actually mention what film is being shown at any point during this article? That’s word magic, that is. Magic that can be ALL YOURS if you succumb to the ancient art of Not Revealing What Film It Is. We believe in you. God Speed!

For more info on the wonders of Secret Cinema, visit the official site here . Enjoy!