*It’s Oscar nominations week! Why watch films like Tyrannosaur, Shame or Drive when you can watch white people solve racism in The Help? Or watch George Clooney do his HANDSOME FACE? The films out this week are rubbish. Good luck everyone.*

John (another day, another jumper in the post):

This week, it’s very important that you see Coriolanus. Not because it’s good (although it is), not because Ralph Fiennes is mental (although he is) and not because you should probably know what Jessica Chastain looks like before I kidnap her and keep her in a dungeon in Austria forever, but because GERARD BUTLER IS GOOD IN IT. Like, good at acting. Actually. Who knew? Unfortunately, everyone knew that W.E. was going to be utterly gash and they were quite right. The woman Peter Bradshaw once called an “over-muscled sack of shit and memories” (paraquote) performs two hours of Human Centipede 2-style surgery on British history with a blunt ego and a Kirby grip, and she must be stopped.

Orange Choice: Coriolanus
Ultimate Lemon: W.E.

Tash (trying to get into ‘music’):

I sort of feel like I should want to see J Edgar. It’s history! It’s Leo! It’s Judi Dench slowly turning her head on a grief-ridden pillow! But, despite myself, I find my eyes flicking away from Leo: The Papier-Mache years and towards the sexy bitch that is Underworld: Awakening. Obviously it’s going to be rubbish – another leather-fisted attempt to breathe life into a franchise long-since un-dead, but hang it all if I haven’t got a soft spot for Kate Beckinsale’s delicious soft spots. In other news, don’t go and watch W.E. Obviously.

Orange Choice: Underworld: Awakening
Ultimate Lemon: W.E

DVB (hated them before it was cool):

Come on, films: I dare you to pull off two great weeks of releases in a row. Just once. After last week’s feast of delights, this week comes across like some poo in a bag someone found in a skip. Perching victoriously on top of said poo is Coriolanus, Ralph Fiennes’ directorial debut and this week’s only good release. It looks violent, and apparently makes Shakespeare’s most confusing play make perfect sense. Festering in the fetid water at the bottom of the metaphor skip (keep up) is a violently deformed, horribly misjudged monster thing called W.E. Do the kind thing and stamp it to death before it has to suffer any more.

Orange Choice: Coriolanus
Ultimate Lemon: W.E

P. Neish (BREAKING):

Neither Shame or Underworld: Awakening were nominated for an Oscar this week, but it’s OK; who needs a Harvey Weinstein-backed statuette when you can pass judgement through extended fruit metaphors, plucked precariously from the fading memory of six year-old me’s Christmas stocking. Shame, naturally, gets Santa’s well-intentioned orange for its haunting portrayal of addiction, while Underworld: Awakening scrapes the slightly furry remains of a decomposing lemon from its unnaturally blue eyes. If you’re going to put yourself through an hour and a half of cinematic discomfort this week, you might as well shiver in accordance with the director’s intention rather than at a franchise that has become even more redundant than the awards ceremonies that overlooked both.

Orange Choice: Shame
Ultimate Lemon: Underworld: Awakening

Kayleigh (Run DMTshirt):

I’m going to presume that a fine Best For Film Patron such as yourself has some degree of sense and, therefore, has chosen to boycott W.E. For the sake of my sanity. Otherwise I may as well… I don’t know, call you an imbecile, lock you in the stocks and have a band of riled up film reviewers hurl old fruit and rocks and faeces at you. That’s our plan for the members of the Academy, anyway. Ahem. So, rather than waste a perfectly good throwing lemon on Madonna’s first (and ideally last) directorial attempt, Imma give it to The Sitter. Because it looks ridiculous. My juicy orange, on the other hand, goes directly to Coriolanus. Ralph Fiennes promises to weave oh-such-gory wonders with Shakespeare’s darkest play; it’ll be raw, it’ll be edgy and it’ll be downright thrilling. Shakespeare with GUNS, for goodness sake! Nothing could be better… except for The Artist.

Orange Choice: Coriolanus
Ultimate Lemon: The Sitter

Florence (Pixie?):

Michael Fassbender is a dishy fellow isn’t he? If he were in fact a dish, he would probably be one of those ones with gold around the edge. The point is, this week I’d like to see more Fassbender (MORE INDEED, AMIRIGHT LADIES?) in Steve McQueen’s Shame. You know I’ve heard mixed things about this film, but I believe in Fassbender’s “talents” and I also think it seems like an interesting concept: “sex addiction isn’t all sexy fun”. That’s more or less the message right? Do you know what I want to see less of this week? Leonardo DiCaprio in crappy old makeup in J. Edgar. Don’t you think that old makeup looks crappy? A bit like Winona Ryder playing old Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands? Also, I’m a bit fed up of biopics. I will no longer watch biopics. Unless one comes out about Michael Fassbender.

Orange Choice: Shame
Ultimate Lemon: J Edgar

W.E. then? Guys? Guys??