*With John temporarily in the bath for a week or so, it’s left to the rather less tech-savvy members of the BFF Justice Squad (Assemble) to pick up the flack. So far, Tash is mostly arguing with Youtube, Rob is wrestling a rogue bit of javascript and poor old Dave Martin is desperately trying to sew up holes in our meta-descriptions with patches made of velvety SEO. None of this making sense? Let’s talk about films, shall we?*

DVB (rooftop drinker):

Is this the most boring cinema week yet this year? I know we’re in the post-Oscars slump, but Christ, when The Raven is the most interesting film out it’s time to start investing in tinned peaches. I’ll recommend it – there’s bound to be at least one gruesome murder – but what I really want to talk about is how interesting the story behind John Carter‘s catastrophic failure is. The scale of Andrew Stanton’s delusion, the vast quantities of money sunk into a project with basically no audience, the baffling decisions made, the frantic, futile attempts to salvage it: it’s a parable for our times. So, don’t go and see it, but do read about it. Or, like, read a book or whatever.

Rob Zak (bike ninja):

Another Wednesday, another day to drool over one film in admiration and sneeringly dismiss another. While nothing this week particularly tickles my saliva glands, the Special Forces vs Terrorists thriller Cleanskin was fairly refreshing. With Sean Bean being as gritty and Sheffield-y as ever, and set-pieces that go for bone-crunching violence rather than mindless explosions, the film is a surprising little gem. Brilliant though old Beano is, most of the film’s intrigue stems from seeing a young Muslim, Ash, get drawn into a world of Islamic extremism. My lemon is Raven. In essence, an Edgar Allan Poe-based horror is an appealing idea, but when you throw the ever-ordinary John Cusack into it, and combine it with the fact that it’s shit (as verified by our review), then the essence is just too heavily diluted.

Orange Choice: Cleanskin
Ultimate Lemon: The Raven

Stevie Neish (plays it coy with buses):

How does the old saying go? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well, at this rate – with the likes of Bel Ami, The Raven and Project X currently on general release – I’ll have put Sprite out of business by Easter. This week’s batch of freshly squeezed orange juice will be going to The Raven, a terrifyingly tedious thriller that pairs a likeable raccoon with John Cusack in the hope that the latter might actually learn something. With little left to recommend, at least not until THE HUNGER GAMES OH MY GOD ONLY NINE DAYS LEFT TO GO, I’m going to let my standards slide and recommend John Carter in 3D. Both it and The Raven cast their source novel’s authors in a leading role, but only John Carter does so in a way that leaves you with the will to live.

Orange Choice: John Carter
Ultimate Lemon: The Raven

Tash (whatever team isn’t Jacob or the other one):

Yep, you boy speak da truth – I’m not overcome with passion for many of this week’s releases, even that one where R-Patz is all overcome with passion for everyone. Bel Ami looks paper-thin, The Raven looks boot-chargingly ridiculous, John Carter is a doctor from ER and A Man’s Story looks like a two hour documentary about the world’s smuggest lapel-humper. For that reason, I’m trotting happily off towards the apocalypse in the form of Four Horseman; a documentary attempting to unravel just how the world got into the financial mess it’s currently in. Having totally loved last year’s Inside Job, I’m excited to hear lots more sexy words I don’t understand, like “subprime loans” and “credit default swaps”. Yummers.

Orange Choice: Four Horsemen
Ultimate Lemon: Everything except Four Horsemen

Dave (defender of the Source Code):

I find myself spoilt for choice this week. Contraband? The Raven? Safe House? John Carter? Best Exotic Marigold Hotel? This Means War? I just can’t, for the life of me, figure out which of these films looks the most unappealing. If I could I would hand out lemons all around but there can only be one, so on this weak week I will proudly proclaim my wishes not to set eyes on Wanderlust. It would take something special to get me excited about a Judd Apatow movie and the Aniston/ Rudd axis is not it. So depressed am I at the listings in my local cinema that I’m tempted to give a protest orange to Adam Deacon’s Payback Season. Doing so may, however, destroy whatever small shred of integrity I have, so I shall head along to Four Horsemen instead. I haven’t read much about it but people assure me it’s hilarious.

Orange Choice: Four Horsemen
Ultimate Lemon: Wanderlust

Oh dear. Shall we just go bowling instead?