*There’s an air of barely suppressed anticipation at Best For Film Towers. John’s fidgeting, Kathryn keeps excusing herself and Tash is so worked up she genuinely can’t type. What malady could have such a profound effect on the brave fighting men and women of Best For Film? We’ll give you a clue: it rhymes with Tanning Catum’s Farce.*

Tessa (strips like she types – very slowly):
Hello Wednesday, where have you been all week? It’s a no-brainer for where you and your chum should be heading this evening – Magic Mike is going to be Magic, Kathryn has been practically wetting herself with excitement all week. Sure, Cody Horn looks like she’s going to be a bit annoying, what with all that talking and emotions getting in the way of the stripping, but it seems a small price to pay for all that nudity. Yes Please. I’ve heard Strawberry Fields is a bit hopeless and over-romanticises Kent, which is serious crime in my book. Also it’s set in a ‘baking hot summer’ which frankly, seems a bit of an insult.

Orange Choice: Magic Mike
Ultimate Lemon: Strawberry Fields

DVB (spectacles and baby oil, they’re all he needs):
Remember that thing I said last week about loving it when actors who’ve been written off turn out to be great? People like Channing Tatum in 21 Jump Street, and Matthew McConnaughey in Killer Joe? Yeah, I enjoyed writing that one. Anyway, I’m going to go and see Magic Mike because of all the naked butts and bright colours. There’s not really anything out that’s worth slagging off, so instead I’ll draw your attention to Playing the Moldovans at Tennis, a film that I guess might be showing somewhere. It’s about Tony Hawk, who sparked the whole ‘drunken bet as career’ thing by taking a fridge around Ireland and writing like three books about it. In this one, he plays all of the Moldovan international football team at tennis. One by one. Just pray you never end up having to talk to him about it.

Orange Choice: Magic Mike
Ultimate Lemon: Playing the Moldovans at Tennis

Hannah (hair clashes with most of Ann Summers’ gaudiest knickers):
Hannah: Pass me the dollar bills and GET OUT OF MY WAY LADIES! I will trample you all down in the rush to see this year’s most well endowed film, Magic Mike. I think I might actually short circuit my keyboard if I think too much about this from all of my lusty drooling (man, that sounds wrong) so I had better do this fast. Channing Tatum… stripping off and gyrating wildly AND he has a soft side! (but the other side is good and hard thankfully. Can I get arrested for this)? The Full Monty is obviously a classic but let’s face it, they weren’t all exactly beefcakes were they? Speaking of ‘not exactly beefcakes’ this week’s bitter lemon has got to be Storage 24. Noel Clarke is back AGAIN and this time there are aliens. I saw this last week and am still annoyed. Many more deaths needed to happen in that film…

Orange Choice: Magic Mike
Ultimate Lemon: Storage 24

*That’s three for three so far…*

Papa Neish (goes all the way for a Starbucks voucher):
History is peppered with moments that you are destined to remember. Where were you when Diana died? What were you doing on 9/11? Well I can tell you that, should you value your orange, you will be in your local multiplex on Wednesday the 11th July when Alex Pettyfer gives the first performance that doesn’t make you want to drown yourself in cola. Magic Mike‘s not perfect, but it’s a damn sight better than Beastly. Best to give Friends With Kids a miss, on the other hand. I don’t know why anyone would want to reunite the cast of Bridesmaids without Melissa McCarthy.

Orange Choice: Magic Mike
Ultimate Lemon: Friends with Kids

Kathryn (pockets stuffed with dollar bills and chloroform):
Solely because I value my place here at BFF, I shan’t be exposing myself this evening when I see Magic Mike. No matter how emotionally one with Channing Tatum I feel after writing about him, stalking the water toxicity of his birthplace and closely examining sketchy YouTube videos for clues as to the size of his willy, I will restrain myself to merely sobbing when he and his compatriots start shucking shirts. Apparently, dignity is far beyond me where this film is concerned. Bollywood saga Bol Bachchan, however, is two and a half hours I have unfortunately set aside for lying in the dark coming DOWN (get your minds out of the gutter) after Magic Mike.

Orange Choice: Magic Mike
Ultimate Lemon: Bol Bachchan

*Five in a row… Surely we’re not going to have a full house? We are!*

John (feeling deeply emasculated):
I’m proud of you all. Possibly the first total consensus in OWLing history, and it couldn’t be more right – Magic Mike is the film of the week and, all things considered, might even be the film of the month. You heard me, Peter Parker, Bruce Wayne – it’s all about Mike and his magic penis this unforgettable Wednesday. Pop an orange segment into your mouth and lube up, but not before turning your nose up at The Women on the 6th Floor. I don’t even know what it’s about, but Channing Tatum isn’t stripping in it so it can basically fuck off.

Orange Choice: Magic Mike
Ultimate Lemon: The Women on the 6th Floor

*GO NOW QUICKLY IT’S ON NOW THEY’RE ALL NAKED GO GO GO*