*ROWING LADY! CYCLING GENTLEMAN! CHEATING KOREANS! Oh god, it’s all nonsense. Fortunately, right in the middle of the Olympic-obsessed East End is one tiny oasis of sedentary sense (apart from Tessa, who was actually in the opening ceremony for some reason). John had better start before he kills Tash for cheering the men’s coxless fours…*

John (snarkshooting):
Everyone else in London is quacking on and bloody on about exercise, so I’m going to pointedly watch a documentary about the best restaurant in the world. El Bulli has now (sort of) closed, but it’s not too late to bask in Ferran Adrià’s genius with El Bulli: Cooking in Progress. When you’ve finished, have something to eat and then make yourself vomit over a poster for Ted, which doesn’t really deserve vomit but does deserve your Lemon. When will people realise that Seth MacFarlane has three voices and about one joke?

Orange Choice: El Bulli: Cooking in Progress
Ultimate Lemon: Ted

Hannah (synchronised mucus-flinging):
Man I wish The Bourne Legacy would hurry up and come out already. That shit is going to be RED HOT! Yeah… Sadly we all have to wait for a little while longer excitedly. Like a kid waiting for Christmas day. Speaking of kids on Christmas day my orange this week is Ted because how could a foul mouthed teddy bear be bad? My teddies and I used to have raging fights when I was young… fucking bears. (I had very few friends growing up.) My bears and I this week pick The Man Inside as our lemon. Yes Michelle Williams gets abused verbally, but it also has a man called Bashy in it. Violent teddy bears are ok, they’re still soft and fluffy at the end of the day but I am guessing that Bashy is not… Urban drama, blah, blah, blah.

Orange Choice: Ted
Ultimate Lemon: The Man Inside

DVB (Freestyle seduction):
So it’s still The Dark Knight Rises, obviously. Remember that week when we were all a bit worried because there were a few people telling us it was shit? But then we realized that those negative reviews were coming from such critical fucking powerhouses as Chris “Kill List is obviously about the coalition government” Tookey (it isn’t) and Rex “Reviewed Cabin in the Woods without actually seeing it” Reed. And THEN we noticed that on Metacritic, no Nolan film has ever scored above 82 (The Prestige, arguably his best film, is a 66). And such is the price you pay for taking a widely sniffed at genre and using it to make some of the best films ever.
There’s naff all else out, of course, besides probably-great documentary Searching for Sugar Man. Oh, and Ted, which can get ‘tae fuck because even Mark Wahlberg’s genuinely great facial acting can’t make me laugh at ‘Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!’.

Orange Choice: The Dark Knight Rises
Ultimate Lemon: Ted

Tessa (heavyweight snatch):
If there’s one person I trust, it’s Hannah. Sometimes she has aggressive opinions about the Olympics and we have to ignore her, but on this occasion we’ll take her word for it on The Lorax. She saw it so you don’t have to. Please don’t go, the words don’t even rhyme. Yes, his hair is orange, and that might confuse you but try and stay strong. Where should you go instead? Probably outside if I’m honest, I don’t know, go for a walk or something.

Orange Choice: walking, apparently.
Ultimate Lemon: The Lorax

*So, no Teds and no Loraxes. They look too much like sports mascots anyway. Batman wouldn’t put up with this badminton-fixing shit…*