Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #21

Peace, sanity and loving, unadulterated fear have returned to the darkening plains of BFF with Tash’s inevitable reappearance. Set to work sweeping up the devastating internet mess left by John “I prefer a nib and bottle” Underwood, team BFF can only distract themselves from constant verbal and physical abuse by dreaming about a life filled with two for one cinema trips…

Rich (Sat through Honey 2, and lived to tell the tale):

Okay, in a slightly dry week that is awaiting the release of X-men and The Hangover 2next week, I’m going to go for 13 Assassins. Out of all the pap that’s flying around the cinemas this week this looks like a breath of violent fresh air, and nobody – NOBODY – can resist a good samurai sword. Water For Elephants however is getting a sour lemon thrown straight at its balls for being what looks like a sickly sweet love affair between Robert “I’m not just the guy from Twilight, I promise” Patterson, Reese Witherspoon and an elephant. Maybe if it was genuinely a love affair between Patterson and an elephant I’d check it out. That sounds more interesting, and they’d be a slim chance the elephant would crush him.

Orange Choice: 13 Assassins
Ultimate Lemon: Like Water For Elephants


Tash (breaks the hearts and spirits of goats nationwide):

Seeing as I missed out last week by accidently being in a field, I think I’m going to jump back aboard the good ship cinema by watching Pirates Of The Caribbean: on Stranger Tides (BOAT METAPHOR = RELEVANT). Yes, yes yes I know, I’ve been warned, but come on, you can’t just not go and see things just because they’re evidently going to be crap, can you? What kind of a world would that be? Me and Sir Sparrow have come too far to give up now, dammit, and I’m a sucker for anything involving Penelope “my eyes hold a thousand sexual positions” Cruz. In terms of citrus nightmares, I’ll be keeping away from Something Borrowed. Christ Kate Hudson, you used to just be vaguely abrasive. When did you graduate to full-on death-nightmare? What’s that, around How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days? Oh yeah, that’s right…

Orange Choice: Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Ultimate Lemon: Something Borrowed


Deirdre (Gearing up for goat adventures of her own):

Vidal Sassoon is going to be getting Lemon all over his well moisturized, perma-tanned face this week. I do not/ will not/ cannot sit and listen to a successful man talk himself up for 90mins. HE CUTS HAIR! That is all he does; my god Gandhi didn’t get the same level of praise they’re lumping on this guy. I think, just to spite that pompous lot attending that wonderfully enlightening film, I’m going to Orange Blitz. Lovely Jason Statham running around cleaning up the streets… I’d be happy to spend an afternoon watching that!

Orange Choice: Blitz
Ultimate Lemon: Vidal Sassoon

Sarah(rom-coms are slowly destroying her future happiness):

Win Win is a quietly funny and clever little satsuma of a movie to watch before Hangover 2 pulverises the competition from Thursday. Whereas I think I might have squeezed lemon in my eye as they seem to have actually made a sequel to Diary of a Wimpy Kid? I don’t even know what it’s about and I don’t really care, It has ‘wimpy’ in the title, and unless it’s about a dodgy fast food restaurant that really shouldn’t still be in business, I’d rather shag Vidal Sassoon.

Orange Choice: Win Win
Ultimate Lemon: Diary Of a Wimpy Kid 2


The Kobbler (Deeply regretting being too polite to object to a nickname):

Yep, I’m with Sarah – my Orange for this week is Win Win. I can’t say I’ve seen Thomas McCarthy’s films (The Visitor, The Station Agent) and I’ve only seen him in one (Duplicity). I totally missed his performance in celebrated US cop show The Wire but…he strikes me as a nice guy. From what I’ve heard, the films he makes, they’re about something, they’re honest looks at life and they seem unique. I think film needs more voices like his and less in the form of huge, soulless nautical franchises like Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Did we need another in the franchise or was this just a cash grab by Disney to pillage our pockets? If you’re going to make a fourth film in a franchise at least have decency to make a good one.

Orange Choice: Win Win
Ultimate Lemon: Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides


Steven Neish (Far too French for his own good these days):

To celebrate the arrival of a weekly Orange 2for1 Cineday in France (though it was totally yesterday), and in spite of the film’s current lack of a U.K. distributor, I have settled on Midnight in Paris as recipient of this week’s orange. A truly remarkable little film that isn’t afraid to stand up for Owen Wilson even when nobody else will, Woody Allen has finally given me a reason to seek out the rest of the director’s extensive back-catalogue. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, meanwhile, finds itself quickly demoted – or whatever the citrus equivalent might be – after an ill advised recommendation last week. Taking the ailing franchise and finishing it off with the boring stick, replacement director Rob Marshall has run the series aground somewhere between Sleepy Hollow and shit creek.

Orange Choice: Midnight In Paris
Ultimate Lemon: Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides


So it seems Pirates is a sinking ship, whilst Win Win is the, er, winner. Stay tuned kids, for next week we have big hitters The Hangover 2 and X-Men. What will our motley crew be pointing their eyes at? Apart from Tash’s revenge-goat-ridden carcass, that is…

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