*Now that the temporary insanity caused by over-exposure to January Jones’ breasts has passed, it’s time for our team to calm down, man up, take a jump to the left and fly right. Will it be pongo-ing pandas, hip-popping dancers, hospital-raiders or murdering mothers for our valiant over-indulged typists this week? Only time will tell. No sorry, not time, words.*

Tash (swaggers like jagger):

So the thing is that you really should go and watch Kung Fu Panda 2. I know what you’re thinking: “ohh I hate pandas, I hate their stupid smug faces, I hate them even more when they’re trying to defeat an anthropomorphised peacock with delusions of grandeur and the tones of Gary Oldman” – and whilst I can’t say anything to counteract any of that, I can say that there’s a really good joke in it about scars. Like, really good. And actually, even the stuff that isn’t jokes about scars (most of it) is proper good. I’ll be desperately avoiding Honey 2 like a bee avoids… erm… significantly less attractive bees. A franchise that Jessica Alba refused to return to? What horrifying world is this?

Orange Choice: Kung Fu Panda 2
Ultimate Lemon: Honey 2

 

Magda (wants a Hobo With A Shotgun-Wedding):

If you check Tash’s review of Kung Fu Panda 2 you’ll see she failed to admit it made her cry 4 TIMES. Disclosure! Well, I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry ever again. YOU WILL NOT BREAK MY HEART, CGI! *shakes fist*. What I do, however, want to see – again, quite frankly – is Hobo With a Shotgun. Rutger Hauer is the people’s champion. I love his creased face even more than I love exploitation films, and I’d go frenchies with most of them them at least once.

Orange Choice: Hobo With A Shotgun
Ultimate Lemon: Kung Fu Panda 2

 

Tash (suddenly significantly less swag):

I HAD SOMETHING IN MY EYE FOUR TIMES OK? Damn stupid beautiful panda-goose relationship, it came out NOWHERE and stabbed me in the heart.

Papa Neish: (thinks Brian Cox should shove his stars where the sun don’t shine)

Caught up in both the hustle and bustle of this years’ Edinburgh International Film Festival, I haven’t yet had the chance to take in Honey 2 (accidentally on purpose, but don’t tell anyone). As honey isn’t even citrus, however, I won’t let this stand in the way of a good fruit fight. This week’s BOGOF orange has Kung Fu Panda 2 written all over it, albeit in small and near illegible handwriting. Jack Black, mercifully animated to within an inch of his life, brings down the house once more as the lovably incompetent Po, backed ably by a winning array of new and returning faces. Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules, meanwhile, is a humourless, trite mess that has no right being anywhere other than a children’s TV channel not included in my Sky TV package. Seriously though, is it sequel awareness week or something?

Orange Choice: Kung Fu Panda 2
Ultimate Lemon: Diary Of A Wimpy Kid 2

 

John (has the noisest bones in the land):

This week my Orange is getting ruthlessly shot to pieces by Point Blank, the latest pulse-bouncing and heart-spanking thriller from ingenious French chap Fred Cavayé. It’s along the lines of his last film Pour Elle – everyman pressed into action to save his femme from gangsters – but it hasn’t been disastrously remade with Russell Crowe (yet) so it wins. If you don’t have a crush on Gerard Lanvin yet, wait until you see him as an enticingly grizzled copper. If you’re suffering from hayfever this June, however, there’s no better combination than lemon and honey – Honey 2, the latest insipid dance film to twitch across screens nationwide, will bore you into a puddle of misery on the floor of the cinema, waiting to be rippled by intensely pointless bass notes. Avoid.

Orange Choice: Point Blank
Ultimate Lemon: Honey 2

 

Cal (awfully good at getting people to be horrible to him):

Anyone that knows me personally will attest to the fact that I love pandas. I love their little black and white furry patches, and, as a rule, love anything to do with pandas. Have I mentioned that I love pandas? And yet the feeling I experience when I learn of the existence of Kung Fu Panda 2 is not one of delirious joy. As much as I enjoyed certain aspects of the original, Dreamworks can’t help themselves when it comes to smug animated faces, awkward pop culture references and the inclusion of Jack Black.

On the other end of the panda scale however, I’m excited about Point Blank, which I believe has no pandas. I love a good thriller, and after recent disappointments (The Next Three Days) I hope that Point Blank might just thrill me silly with its classy European action and chase scenes. I am slightly disappointed about the lack of pandas, but there’s always next time.

Orange Choice: Point Blank
Ultimate Lemon: The Panda One

 

*At this point, Tash unleashes a vicious but admirably well hidden group of be-toothed pandas in Cal’s direction with the battle cry of “KILL MY BEAUTIES, HE’LL NEVER LOVE YOU LIKE I WILL”. The pandas, sensing division in the ranks, go for Magda. It’s probably for the best*

What are you watching with your two for one tonight? WE WANT TO KNOW SO HARD: