*The very stones of the realm breathed a sigh of relief upon BFF overlord Tash’s return. Unfortunately, apart from a desperately inappropriate affection for stones, she’s pretty much horrible to everyone. With trembling hearts and moistening hair, the civilians of the realm come to offer up their opinions of this week’s cinema releases. We can only pray they don’t die in the attempt.*

Harry (embroiled in a tea-shop war):

I feel it is my personal responsibility to ward you away from going to see Super, like a friendly dog warding a picnicking family away from a large hole in the earth filled with sick and guts. It’s not the knockabout comedy the trailer makes it out to be, it’s not as good as Kick-Ass, it is in fact one of the worst films I’ve seen all year. I would literally rather squeeze a lemon in my eye than have to sit through it again. Tree Of Life would be the obvious orange, but it’s more out of curiosity than desire. I think I’d rather see what Jesse Eisenberg’s first post-Social Network film is and take a chance on Holy Rollers.

Orange Choice: Holy Rollers
Ultimate Lemon: Super

SLDEAN (twitter economiser):

Finally I can pluck an orange from the Tree of Life. We’ve only been waiting 13 years (and then some) for Terrence Malick to come up with a cerebral overtly pretentious masterpiece on family and evolution with extra added dinosaurs! Orangetastic! I beg people to stop going to watch Transformers 3. I absolutely hate lemon curd and the only thing that would make this film watchable would be if Shia LaBoeuf and Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley’s characters were drowned in it by some loco curd-spraying decepticon. Optimus Prime please make it stop!

Orange Choice: Tree Of Life
Ultimate Lemon: Transformers 3

Lucy (cunningly located behind the PILLAR OF INVISIBILITY):

Today I’m fluttering about the office with a basketful of oranges just for Last Year in Marienbad. It’s fifty this year and has been rereleased in only a few cinemas around London, so if you can find it – fly my pretties! A 1961 French classic from Alain Resnais, Last Year in Marienbad is one of those crazy, surreal, what-the-hell-is-going-on films that is just so worthy as your Wednesday night treat. However. I’m violently squeezing a lemon (in a slightly suggestive fashion) all over erotic action-thriller Bollywood movie Murder 2. Filled with gangsters and hookers and policemen and killers, it’s both ridiculous and dull and I don’t like it. If you want to see boobs and punching though, be my guest.

Orange Choice: Last Year In Marienbad
Ultimate Lemon: Murder 2

Tash (been biding her time, innit):

You’re all idiots. Obviously, OBVIOUSLY we all need to trot off and see The Guard. Brendon Gleeson and Don Cheadle fighting crime side by side; why has it taken us this long to see that that needed to happen? Looking back, it seems so damned obvious. It’s going to be like Hot Fuzz, only it’s going to have Don Cheadle in it. Don Cheadle. HOW CAN THERE BE ANY OTHER OPTION THAT THIS? But I have to say, the more I hear about Super, the worse it seems. Ripping off the central glory of Kick-Ass in order to do crap jokes about people vomiting whilst pushing the Jesus factor? Not cool.

Orange Choice: The Guard
Ultimate Lemon: Super

*At this stage, Cal King (of Slovenian fame) forces the fortress doors, shouts something about a film that isn’t out yet and cartwheels off with the air of a maniac. It’s all deeply unhelpful, and Tash swears never to engage him in conversation again, citrus or otherwise*

John (finally getting rid of that dreadful beard):

All things considered, you should probably see Holy Rollers – Jesse Eisenberg is superb as the conservative Hasid who’s drawn into the murky world of international MDMA smuggling, although the overall film fails to live up to the standard he sets. Not sure if oranges are kosher, though – lobsters definitely aren’t, and they’re sort of orange. One to check. Avoid The Princess of Montpensier, a turgid French period romance which is heavy on impassioned looks and light on ANYTHING HAPPENING AT ALL EVER. What are you doing, lovely Lambert Wilson? Come away and make another nice film like Of Gods and Men.

Orange Choice: Holy Rollers
Ultimate Lemon: The Princess Of Montpensier

Who do you agree with? Who do you despise the most? Who has the best hair? WHAT WILL YOU BE WATCHING TONIGHT?