Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #3

(After last week’s The Kings Speech debate-debacle the tone is decidedly delicate on Orange Street, Best For Film Town. Luckily, Magda marches in sporting shoulders the like of which the world has never seen. This diffuses the tension.)

Tash (listening to a lot of Seal this week):

I know it’s wrong, but I will forever hold a candle for Keanu Reeves. I can’t even explain it; somehow I’m just convinced he’s talented. Prove the world wrong Keanu. Do it for me. Sure Henry’s Crime looks rubbish, but maybe it’s not? Maybe? It is, isn’t it? Damn. Every time I try and think about The Green Hornet my mind wanders to The Green Lantern and I end up drowning in my own Ryan-Reynolds-based saliva. So for the safety of those in the darkened, contained space that is the cinema, I should probably stay away from that. Just don’t go and see The Next Three Days. It’s still rubbish.

ORANGE: Henry’s Crime
LEMON: The Green Hornet/The Next Three Days

Becky (captivated by pictures of crowns):

This week, I am feeling the love for Conviction. Hilary Swank doing gritty, the thing she does best. But it gets better- the delightful Sam Rockwell is in it too. The fact it is based on a true story is the icing on the cake- gut wrenchingly good. One thing I will be avoiding like the plague is It’s Kind Of A Funny Story. It is a risk to put the word funny in the title. It ups your expectations that you know, you might laugh a few times. The risk does not pay off. The least funny, least quirky, least entertaining movie in a long time. Run, run in the opposite direction!

ORANGE: Conviction
LEMON: It’s Kind Of A Funny Story

David (wants a tire to win Best Actor at this year’s Oscars):

YES Becky, Conviction should be top of everyone’s Wednesday wishes. It’s sad. It’s happy. It’s interesting. It’s got Swank, whose name contains another word in it (clearly Swan) and Rockwell, whose surname is in fact two words pushed together. What more do you want from an actor? As to that which I will be avoiding, I shall not set foot in any cinema which furthers the delusion that Jack Black is useful to society. As such, I won’t be seeing Guillver’s Travels, simply because Jack Black is an utter arse, and the film runs a horse and carriage through a literary classic in the search for a quick buck. Well, they’re not getting my buck, be it quick or slow. No sir.

ORANGE: Conviction
LEMON: Gulliver’s Travels

Georgi (determined to make John cry):

I want to put Yamla Pagla Deewana as my pick, having seen it last night, but really can’t recommend it to other people in good faith. The 163 minute Indian comedy-crime caper left me feeling violated – by glitter. I am blocking my ears to any ‘Blue Valentine is an anti-romance’ nonsense, because Ryan Gosling cannot stop charm oozing out of every orifice, even if he wanted to. The lemon of the bunch is still The King’s Speech, mostly out of stubbornness now rather than any thoughtful argument on my part.

ORANGE: Blue Valentine
LEMON: The King’s Speech

Magda (some kind of clothing-based Megazord)

*tries to answer but her words are muffled by her own splendidly mad shoulder accessories. In the end she gives up and points at Tash, signalling her agreement*

John (probably fancies Geoffrey Rush)

For the record, I happen to have it on good authority that Georgi “Ooh, I hate The King’s Speech! Look at me hating The King’s Speech!” Lavers hasn’t even seen The King’s Speech, which is still the best film of this and all other possible Wednesdays. Obviously you must see it if you haven’t already. If you have seen it, see it again. If you’ve already seen it twice and are even momentarily tempted by Brotherhood, just do the sums – there’s a much cheaper way to sit in oppressive darkness whilst misguided youths rob corner shops and shoot each other, and it’s called the 78 bus through Peckham.

ORANGE: The King’s Speech
LEMON: Brotherhood

Stephen (wishes the office was a farm):

Ignore the Seth Rogen backlash and toddle on off to see The Green Hornet – if, that is, you wish to catch a intermittently funny buddy-movie caper with action scenes filtered through the imagination of Michel Gondry. Seriously, it’s like Kick-Ass meets that episode of Flight of the Conchords he directed, with the added bonus of Chris Waltz – scene-chomper in Inglorious Basterds – continuing to chomp scenes. My lemon for the week is Henry’s Crime because, of the many things I will not buy, Keanu Reeves as a bank robber is near the top of the list, just below fleshlights but above David Icke’s reptile theory.

ORANGE: The Green Hornet
LEMON: Henry’s Crime

Stevie Neish (knows too many words)

Say hello to Oscar season! You’ve had your Gulliver’s Travels and your Little Fockers, it’s time to get your serious faces on and enjoy some long-overdue highbrow. Blue Valentine is the name, and depressing’s the game, as Derek Cianfrance brings us (500) Days of Summer – but without the happy bits in IKEA. Next up is Conviction, a by-the-numbers Academy Awards Nominee which manages to keep the colours within the lines nicely. Henry’s Crime was also released this week, a particularly bad Keanu Reeve’s movie in which he commits a crime he has already served time for. Don’t despair, however, The Green Hornet (Who? In 3D? – Ah, now you’re not so interested) proves there is something for everyone – whether you have any taste or not.

ORANGE: Blue Valentine
LEMON: The Green Hornet

And with that, John and Georgi were banished to either side of Magda’s ears and peace returned to BFF towers. So, the question is, what wisdom will you be following this week?

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