*With Harry lost in the dark depths of South London – at the very least dead if not worse – it’s up to the remaining screen-humpers to battle on without his constant barking about how much he’s looking forward to Mr Popper’s Penguins. But seeing as John has finally (mostly) conquered his fear of pockets, it is quite literally all to play for…*

Papa Neish (still watches Top Gear for some reason):
This week you simply must watch Chris Weitz’s A Better Life. Not only is it beautifully acted, gorgeously shot and meticulously researched, but if it does well enough he may, just may get around to directing the samurai epic of his – and now my – dreams. Quality isn’t for everyone though, I understand that, so if you have trouble breathing with your mouth open and would happily spend £3.65 on a two scoop tub of Cookie Dough ice cream (despite it being flogged in Morrisons for half-price and despite there being SO MANY BETTER FLAVOURS TO CHOOSE FROM) you should take your lemons along to Zookeeper, a movie so terrible that it’s had to resort to tapping Night at the Museum for barely passable gags.

Orange Choice: A Better Life
Ultimate Lemon: ZooKeeper

Sophie (actually had to sit through Zookeeper. Don’t mess with her today):
One man I’d happily make freshly squeezed orange juice for is Captain America. He’s a lean, not mean, Nazi killing machine! He is the first Avenger for crying out loud, and I for one love him for it! Should he wish to marry me I’ll delightfully accept. But sucking the life out of oranges everywhere so that all that’s left are lemons is Zookeeper. No, no, NO why do we need another film about talking animals. It seems nowadays that screenwriters think that if our supposedly simple minds are preoccupied with dancing animals saying funny things, then we won’t notice that the film has a completely crap story. Guess what? You’re wrong!

Orange Choice: Captain America: The First Avenger
Ultimate Lemon: Zookeeper

John (still a bit worried about the pockets, if he’s honest):
If you don’t take time out this week to imagine what a drop of orange juice would look like to a Borrower, you’re a philistine. Arrietty, the latest instant classic from Studio Ghibli, is a genuine work of art which adapts Mary Norton’s enchanting books with sensitivity and flair. Go and see it or I’ll hate you forever. Mind you, I probably won’t hate you as much as Vincent ‘shark face’ Cassel, who in Our Day Will Come becomes some sort of half-arsed ginger revolutionary bent on fleeing to Ireland to be with his carrot-topped brethren. What. Utter. Nonsense.

Orange Choice: Arrietty
Ultimate Lemon: Our Day Will Come

Tash (tricked into buying crap icecream, doesn’t want to talk about):
Look, let’s just be honest, this year and next year are The Years Of Impressive Stretchy Trousers – it’s superhero mania and there’s no point in fighting it. Especially if you’re a Nazi. We went to see Green Lantern, we went to see Thor, we were well up for Iron Man and Iron Man 2: The Ironing so why even bother pretending that this week isn’t going to be dedicated to el Capitano Americano? If we don’t keep up now, IMAGINE how silly we’re going to feel when The Avengers comes out, and we’re all “yeah, but who’s that chinny bloke Robert Downey is riffing off? And like, why is that guy getting so Ang Lee?” As an aside, I just can’t be bothered with Horrid Henry. YAY CAMEOS RICHARD E GRANT IS SUCH A GOOD SPORT ISN’T HE HAHAHA – no.

Orange Choice: Captain America: The First Avenger
Ultimate Lemon: Horrid Henry

DVB (coming soon to a youtube near you):
This pains me in a week when a Studio Ghibli film is out, but it’s going to have to be the absurdly talented Lee Chang-dong’s Poetry. Nothing gives me movie nerd wood quite like the cinematic output of South Korea, and this sad-but-beautiful-but-also-dark study of a woman with Alzheimer’s looks to be entirely my bag, baby. I hope I don’t have to tell you to avoid the obviously dreadful Kevin James vehicle, Zookeeper; If you don’t, he may earn enough money to make Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb, Part Derp.

Orange Choice: Poetry
Ultimate Lemon: The Zookeeper

*So it looks like universal catastrophe for That Bloke From Grown Ups, and hurrah sandwiches all round for Ameribuff and Ghibli. Who wins out in the battle for your eyes tonight?*