Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #36

*With Underwood out of the office, BFF towers has become a curiously efficient place. There are no “Flying vs Massive Jumps” debates, no-one has to compliment anyone on their worrying choice of woollen vests and Tash seems almost rage-free. With that in mind, today’s OWLs might just be the most pleasant yet. Huh. Somehow, it just doesn’t feel right…*

Tash (with the grin of one who knows she won’t be called a “knob-wanker” by a subordinate today):
All week I’ve been looking forward to Bending my Fass in Jane Eyre, and by sideburns tonight is the night. Yeah sure Mia Wasikokchevisskiakishi isn’t exactly not stunningly gorgeous in every way, but heck they didn’t cast Keira Knightely, and that’s all I ask. Which, by the way, is more than I can say for YOU, Anna Karenina team. By comparison, I have to say that Friends With Benefits looks desperately weary. I just don’t believe anyone is really excited about the prospect of watching it. We’ve already seen this film. You can try and argue otherwise all you like, but we – all of us – have already seen it. And it wasn’t that good the first time around.

Orange Choice: Jane Eyre
Ultimate Lemon: Friends With Benefits

Caroline (still grieving the loss of a equine paper soulmate):
Imagine this. Your editor says “Who’s up for a film about Morris dancing?” and your fellow interns say things like “Eww, Morris dancing” and “I am not going to see a film about Morris dancing”, and there you are, quaking in your little Irish boots, too ashamed to say that you have no idea what Morris dancing is. You thought you were fitting in so well. You thought you were really beginning to blend in with the English. But no, because apparently you’re ignorant to MASSIVE part of English culture known as Morris dancing. This is why I will be seeing The Way Of The Morris. Because I want to FIT IN.
Oh and Troll Hunter can piss off. Monster movies haven’t been cool since Vincent Price stopped being in them, no matter how “ironic” or “tongue-in-cheek” this one claims to be.

Orange Choice: The Way Of The Morris
Ultimate Lemon: Troll Hunter

Beth (sunny outside, winter in her skin):
If Big Fat Gypsy Wedding was anything to go by, then Big Fat Gypsy Gangster will be truly ridiculous. There’s a reason that on-screen villains are rarely obese (chunky maybe, but not full on porkers) and that’s because fat people just aren’t that scary. Perhaps it’s the jolly connotations attached to a pot-belly, or the safe knowledge that you could probably outrun them what with all their cholesterol blocked veins and all. Troll Hunter looks equally ridiculous, but it knows it. Who wouldn’t want to witness a tongue-in-cheek mockumentary of folks hunting down giant trolls? Or maybe trolls are always that big? I am so ignorant of their ways! Hopefully this film will refine my education into the proper troll growth rates.

Orange Choice: Troll Hunter
Ultimate Lemon: Big Fat Gypsy Gangster

Kayleigh (takes sweets from strangers):
After sitting and listening to Natasha tell us how bemused she was by Colombiana (“imagine an action star dancing sexily in skimpy clothes whilst simultaneously loading a gun and sucking a lollipop…”) I have, unsurprisingly, decided that I most definitely don’t want to see it. Ever. Who wants to watch a sexy octopus kill people, anyway? If I wanted to entertain myself with that then I’d hit up a questionable aquarium, which, let’s face it, is far more fun. In the meantime, I’m weirdly excited by A Lonely Place To Die. After all, who doesn’t like a high-stress climbing expedition gone wrong? Nobody, that’s who. I can’t wait to feast my eyes on snapping ropes, plummeting bodies and Eastern-European children popping out of the ground like daisies!

Orange Choice: A Lonely Place To Die
Ultimate Lemon: Colombiana

Papa Neish (despiser of Wednesday and therefore a heathen):
Do you remember when free running was cool? Bourne did it, Bond did it, heck even Bruce Banner had a go. It didn’t last however, and now, months after Fast Five finished pounding the pavement, Columbiana thinks it can dance. It can’t. Rather than state the obvious and note that there is nothing particularly exciting showing this week and send you back to watch Fright Night again, I’m going to ask that you give A Lonely Place To Die a chance – it’s easily the prettiest movie showing this week.

Orange Choice: A Lonely Place To Die
Ultimate Lemon: Colombiana

So it looks like a big no-no in the faces of Colombiana and Friends with Benefits, and a YES for Troll Hunter, A Lonely Place To Die and Jane Eyre – your thoughts?

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