Orange(Wednesday)s And Lemons #50

*Let’s face it, we’re basically now all just counting down the days until we can all pretend to like our new socks (“mmm, 100% wool, I love Christmas itching!”) and bog off to watch Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. But, before that sweet, desperately moody day comes, the BFF team have to make do with looking all surly at each-other and playing “who can get the most offensive secret santa present”*

Kayleigh (half a shandy and she’s gone):

I have a hangover. You know what’s good for hangovers? Orange juice. You know what’s good for orange juice? An orange. Henceforth, I shall be going directly to the cinema to enjoy a spectacular dose of Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows, where I will laugh at the many witticisms, marvel at the special effects, ogle over the two main men (yes, even Jude) and generally have a wonderful time. On the other hand, if I felt my hangover would be better served by irritatingly high-pitched voices, horrific popular music covers, terrible animation and PUN UPON TERRIBLE PUN, then I would switch on the torture device that is Alvin And The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Chip-bloody-wrecked. Argh! Have a lemon. Have HUNDREDS of lemons, you bloody idiotic chipmunks. The only comfort we can take from this is that, in the real world, those chipmunks would’ve been eaten, moments upon hitting the shore of that deserted island, by a wild sand lion, or a predatory sea bird, or a very angry badger.

Orange Choice: Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows
Ultimate Lemon: Alvin And The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked


Tash (has Bane upon her very chest):

I mean, sure, obviously no-one wants to go and watch Alvin And The Chipmunks. That sort of goes without saying, doesn’t it? Oh, WITH saying, Kayleigh Dray? That’s good too. Whatever stops you from being sick onto your tinsel. Basically, I’m lemoning Sherlock Holmes, because it just looks a bit stupid, and after having been treated to a snippet of the PROPER Sherlock today, there’s no doubt in my mind as to where my consulting-detective alliegences lie. In terms of what I’m going to see tonight, I’m going to watch 50/50 again. Yes, it’s been out for time now and yes I’ve gone on and on about it, but it’s totally brilliant; subtle, funny, kind and genuine, and everyone knows that a double dose of vitamin C is better than a chipmunk in the eye.

Orange Choice: 50/50
Ultimate Lemon: Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows


Papa Neish (toasted in absence):

This week’s orange belongs in the clammy hands of Jean-Pierre Améris’ Romantics Anonymous, a film so deliciously awkward that I spent the majority of it as nervous as its thoroughly unlikely lovers. Lemons now, and after this year’s steampunk trilogy got off to a bad start with Sucker Punch, before promptly committing sacrilidge by riddling Alexandre Dumas’ classic novel with renegade Zeppelins, 2011 has completed its hat-trick with the relentlessly unremarkable Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows – Guy Richie’s latest affront to Arthur Conan Doyle’s celebrated creation. With a new novel, The House of Silk, recently commissioned by the Conan Doyle estate, and a second season of the acclaimed BBC series on the horizon, there really nothing to see here.

Orange Choice: Romantics Anonymous
Ultimate Lemon: Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows


Florence (wearer of strong collars):

I don’t know if anyone else saw Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law on Graham Norton last week but I certainly did. And MAN was there something going on between them. It was like, they had this really weird body language going on where they were sitting towards each other and ignoring Alesha Dixon, Jude Law especially – he looked like he wanted to kiss Robert Downey Jr full on the mouth. The point is this: I wasn’t that bothered about giving my Orange to the new Sherlock Holmes until I saw that display of homoeroticism. But now I totally want to see it! I’m hoping that at some point Holmes and Watson kiss full on the mouth. Also, Jared Harris is meant to be awesome as Moriarty. My lemon goes to Mysteries of Lisbon because at first I was thinking I wanted to see it – for, you know, the nuns and the countesses and the sexy Portuguese people – but then I heard it was 4 and a half hours long. NOTHING SHOULD BE THAT LONG.

Orange Choice: Sherlock Holnes: A Game Of Shadows
Ultimate Lemon: Mysteries Of Lisbon


John (2/3s water):

This sentiment may not quite be in the spirit of the OWLs or of the season, but everything in the cinema right now looks pretty crap. Chipmunks on an island? Holmes in Germany? Harold in Kumar? (Probably, I’ve never seen the films and I assume they’re gay romantic dramas). Nonsense, all of it. This week I am lemoning Cinema At Large and recommending that you take a nice juicy orange into your local video rental establishment and swap it for a glorious night with your favourite Christmas film. Love Actually is preferred, obviously, but if you have a hankering for The Great Rupert we’re not going to stop you. Happy Hanukkah!

Orange Choice: Nothing
Ultimate Lemon: Everything


So, are you going to get involved with shadowy games, cancer funsies, sweaty awkwardness or none of the above? TELL US OR PREPARE TO NOT TELL US.

About The Author