*At Best For Film Towers, things are quiet… too quiet. R-Zak is off somewhere practicing Blue Steel, David is STILL running around in a bloody jungle and Tash is getting a bit sick of John’s endless Mark Wahlberg facts. Still, at least there are some crap new films out!*

Tash (Russia’s greatest love machine):
You know who’s been cruising down easy street for far too long? That charmer Vladimir Putin. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not sure he’s totally a great guy. For that reason, I’m going to be shooting along to brilliant documentary Khodorkovsky – an investigation of a famous oligarch turned political prisoner that promises to tell you really bloody interesting stuff about the corrupt nature of Russias free market/Government relationship, without the inconvenience of being, like, a book. Something else that isn’t a book is Project X, but that’s mainly because books generally have narratives, which by all account this nonsense totally and completely lacks. OOOH LOOK HE FELL IN THE POOL! HE DID A DRUG! SHE’S GOT BREASTS OH MY – spare me. I’ve been to parties. If you’ve not brought Boggle, you’re not coming in.

Orange Choice: Khodorkovsky
Ultimate Lemon: Project X

DVB (can you spare a dime?):
Eurgh. It’s wet, I’m broke, I’m technically homeless and it’s still, like, a squillion years til I can see The Dark Knight Rises on an IMAX screen. So, let’s all wallow in the misery of Michael, a staggeringly bleak character study about a paedophile who has a boy locked in his cellar. But so help me if you complain, ‘cos I’m genuinely keen on seeing what sounds like a slice of arty Haneke-esque grit. So, having established that I can cope with two hours in Gay Fritzl’s company, you know what’s really been freaking me out lately? Chris Pine and Tom Hardy’s faces. I saw them in films in years past and thought ‘Those men are good looking men’. But in the This Means War poster.. I just.. what the fuck is up with Hardy’s hair? Why do all his features seem to be moving towards a point three inches in front of his face? And why does Pine’s head appear to be split into sections like an ant’s body? Also, apparently the film is just awful, for less self-concously abstract reasons.

Orange Choice: Michael
Ultimate Lemon: This Means War

*Blimey, talk about doom and gloom. Surely Kayleigh will raise the tone?*

Kayleigh (party liaison):
I’ve just spent two hours in an intensely detailed Holocaust exhibition.

*Oh. No, looks pretty gloomy so far…*

Any film which naively professes that life is Hunky Dory, no matter how whimsical it is, is getting lemoned. How’d you like that blast of sour citric acid, Minnie Driver? Savour it. Enjoy it. Some people don’t have the luxury of bitter fruit alongside their coming-of-age dramas. On the other hand, I’m in the mood to be wooed by feel-good flick The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, or The Awesome Hotel In An Exotic Place, or whatever it’s actually called. Titles aren’t important. Just look out for the amazing film boasting the best British talent (Maggie Smith, Bill Nighy, Dev Patel…), the most gorgeous panoramic backdrops and the most message-y message we’ve seen in a while. It’s about living life to the full and going mental in India, or something to that effect. Give that film a juicy juicy orange, stat!

Orange Choice: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Ultimate Lemon: Hunky Dory

Florence (just can’t find the M&Ms shop):
So who here forgot about Minnie Driver? I know I did and the regret is burning deeply in my very soul. That doesn’t, however, make me want to go and watch Hunky Dory. She’s Welsh and she’s a teacher who works in a school and they’re doing a musical! Wild. Fast Times at Welsh High. It’s the Seventies? STOP IT. I tried watching Hairspray last night and that did NOT sit well with me. Go away high school musical films set in sweltering hot summers I SHAN’T WATCH YOU. My school experience was cold and featured hardly any Minnie Driver is my point. No, this week I like my films full of sexual perversion and deeply, deeply disturbing. Which is why I’ll be watching Michael, a German film about a paedophile who keeps a ten-year-old boy in his basement. Crazy Germans! That sounds unsettling on so many levels and I LIKE it.
Orange Choice: Michael
Ultimate Lemon: Hunky Dory

*But… but…*

John (4 x AA batteries):
I don’t care what those bitter harridans think, I’m really excited about Hunky Dory. 1970s music, Minnie Driver and Welsh accents are my favourite thing, and the thought of having them crammed together into some sort of two hour Shakespearean episode of Glee is frankly thrilling – I’ll be having a refreshing glass of orange juice garnished with a leek, because Hunky Dory‘s going to be lovely. Wanderlust, however, doesn’t look quite as tempting. My baser instincts might have dragged me along when she was planning to get her tits out, but it sounds like Paul Rudd is now the only gigantic flapping bosom to be seen. Fuck that.
Orange Choice: Hunky Dory
Ultimate Lemon: Wanderlust

*Where does that leave you? Oh yes, ‘seeing a film about a paedophile’. At least it doesn’t star Adam Sandler…*