*After the ruinous sexual excesses of last week, things have calmed down as this feature limps into its 70s. The ardour of the assembled Best For Film soldiers isn’t helped by the fact that basically everything out this week looks crap. Are you sure you don’t want to go swimming instead?*

Papa Neish (all of the films, all of the time):
This week my orange goes to American Reunion, partly because I’m concerned poor Jim Levenstein is running out of food stuffs to fuck but mostly because the characters’ fourth slice of pie was so surprisingly rewarding. Sure, it was all a bit same masturbation, different mishap, but it was genuinely refreshing to watch a gross out comedy that had its heart irrevocably in the right place; stuck on firmly with decade-old jizz. My lemon, meanwhile, goes to Dark Shadows, the latest regurgitation from the once-prolific director of Edward Scissorhands. Can Tim Burton please start having some original ideas? Even the Goths are bored, and they spend most of their time reading peer-authored poetry.

Orange Choice: American Reunion
Ultimate Lemon: Dark Shadows

John (Ol’ One-Ear):
This week my Orange is struggling to find a home – nothing’s really doing it for me. Dark Shadows is clearly nothing but the latest instalment of Burton’s decades-long, pinstriped suicide note, The Dictator may be the film which finally extinguishes my love for John C. Reilly, How I Spent My Summer Vacation was SUPPOSED to go straight to DVD and Jeff, Who Lives at Home just looks too fucking pleasant for words. I obviously can’t be bothered to, but you could go and see Cafe de Flore if you wanted – it’s got Vanessa Paradis in it, after all, and it’s apparently meaningful or something. The one thing you mustn’t do is succumb to Piranha 3DD, which is being served with a zesty lemon jus – perfect for overdone, greasy fish’n’tits.

Orange Choice: Cafe de Flore
Ultimate Lemon: Piranha 3DD

Kayleigh (mustard wimp):
I want to orange Beauty and the Beast again, as I have yet to find a partner in crime willing to throw themselves headfirst into all that romance and nostalgia. However, I realise I should roll with the punches… so, despite everyone telling me how I’m wasting my delicious orange, I’m bestowing my citrus orb upon Dark Shadows. Oh yes, it’s Bad Burton. Sure, it’ll probably make me weep for the days of Beetlejuice and Batman. And maybe it’ll make me hate The Addams Family a little bit (it won’t – nothing can make me hate that glorious film!). BUT I NEED TO FIND IT OUT FOR MYSELF, PEOPLE! I still want to believe that Burton can do something good. I really really need to believe that he can do something good. On the other hand, we have The Dictator. What’s your game, Baron Cohen? The trailer for your film makes me so unbelievably sad. Maybe you should stick to dramedy roles, like you did so adeptly in Hugo? Lemon. Big fat sour lemon, for sucking at making films so badly.

Orange Choice: Dark Shadows
Ultimate Lemon: The Dictator

DVB (in the bushes outside Castle Kermode):
Not exactly a vintage week, this. Even The Dictator, rave reviews notwithstanding, has so much potential to be utterly dreadful that I’m scared to recommend it without having at least seen it, and then focus-grouped all the jokes afterwards. Sadly, I can go ahead and warn you away from Piranha 3DD without all the faff; loved the first, but I knew something was up when I first heard that loathesome ‘Water-certified strippers!’ gag. Instead, why not try the earnest and genuinely interesting-looking Jason Segel vehicle Jeff, Who Lives at Home? Mmm, that’s some good affable.

Orange Choice: Jeff, Who Lives at Home
Ultimate Lemon: Piranha 3DD

*Four different Oranges. Who are you going to side with, Tash?*

Tash (doesn’t quite trust yoga):
Blimey, it’s been a busy week hasn’t it? We’re still steaming over the exhilarating sex-fest that was Marvel Avengers Assemble, we’re all feeling a wee bit smug about how terrible Dark Shadows ended up being (it’s alright, it feels good to just admit it) and Sacha Baron Cohen is finally bearding all over us in his terrorLOLism epic The Dictator. But WHAT DESERVES YOUR sweaty little 2 for 1? Well, until The Raid comes out on Friday and BLOWS ALL OUR FACES OFF with punching and kicking and exciting, I’m going to go with indie-crumbly fun Jeff, Who Lives At Home. Jason Segel and Ed Helms argue quietly for 80 minutes and Susan Sarandon continues to have nice hair. Is it brilliant? No. Is it Piranha 3DD? No. Case closed.

Orange Choice: Jeff, Who Lives At Home
Ultimate Lemon: Piranha 3DD

*There you go, then – you have your orders. See you next week!*