*The sun’s out (our reptilian Queen can’t summon enough energy for the celebrations in her dread honour unless she’s been able to warm her blood on a flat rock atop Buckingham Palace), and the cowed citizens of Britain are preparing to commemorate the anniversary of her brutal subjugation of this once green and pleasant land. Only a few brave souls resist the monster’s rule, and among them are the ragtag soldiers of Best For Film. Who do more of their planning in cinemas, for reasons we haven’t quite fleshed out yet.*

John (wears Diana’s scalp as an elbow-pad):
This week I don’t even need to think about which film to recommend – glowing with the gentle autumn sun of 1960s New England, my orange is Wes Anderson’s beautiful Moonrise Kingdom. Replete with the unconventional auteur’s distinctive stylistic touches, this charming story will lift your spirits even if the predicted rainstorms do descend on us later today. You might as well disregard Men in Black 3 – I know they claim it’s a documentary, but Columbia’s been paid off by Prince Philip – it’s nothing but fiction.

Orange Choice: Moonrise Kingdom
Ultimate Lemon: Men in Black 3

DVB (dripping with the blood of scaly minor nobles):
So, last week was an outrageously good week for films. Unfortunately, it was also a pretty strong weak for really short runs; a tenner to the person who can find me a multiplex still showing The Raid. This week the obvious choice would, seemingly, be Moonrise Kingdom, but I can think of at LEAST three BFFers (WRONG! Ed.) who will have already gone there. Instead, let me weigh in with my argument for Men In Black 3. It may be far from perfect, but it looks like ideas (casting comedian Jermaine Clement as a straight-up villain? Messing with time travel? Demanding that Josh Brolin become Tommy Lee Jones?) inspired this resurrection before money, and It’d be a real shame if it left its cast and crew saddled with a ‘box office poison’ tag. Oh, and avoid What to Expect When You’re Expecting, because fuck those people.

Orange Choice: Men in Black 3
Ultimate Lemon: What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Kayleigh (conceals a torch in her skirts – lizards can’t blink):
Here come the Men In Black, for the THIRD time, only this time they’re (metaphorically) dressed in juicy, zesty orange goodness. Who doesn’t love watching Will Smith be reckless, Tommy Lee Jones remain expressionless, Josh Brolin put on a suit and celebrities take on alien cameo roles? NOBODY… except John Underwood. Probably. But he’s hated all revelatory alien stories ever since that unfortunate probing incident in 2006. My lemon, on the other hand, goes to What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Because it’s EXACTLY what I’m expecting – utter shit.

Orange Choice: Men in Black 3
Ultimate Lemon: What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Tash (armed with a nice shillelagh):
To be honest, this is probably the only week in OWL history where it doesn’t matter what you see, all that matters is what you don’t see. What to Expect When You’re Expecting is the most vacuous, unholy, lazily made dross to ooze out of Hollywood since New Year’s Eve – and please bear in mind that since then we’ve had American Pie: Reunion. Jennifer Lopez plays a woman called ‘Holly’, for God’s sake. She doesn’t have a last name. Obviously. Go watch Snow White and the Huntsman instead – Kristen Stewart plays Aslan, which is pretty funny, and everything splinters majestically all the time. Also, Charlize Theron is in it. As if you need more of an excuse than that.

Orange Choice: Snow White and the Huntsman
Ultimate Lemon: What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Is everyone going to avoid What to Expect? The lizards will suspect a trap!

Florence (master of Cockney Fu):
My Orange this week goes to Snow White and the Huntsman because I like Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth and even Kristen Stewart is OK when she’s not in those vampire movies. Also, this film looks cool what with all the ravens and the people being shattered into little bits when people hit them with their axes. Chris Hemsworth has TWO axes. My Lemon goes to Kasabian Live from the O2 because that is not a real film. Who goes to see those things? Even if you were the world’s biggest Kasabian fan, wouldn’t that still be awful?

Orange Choice: Snow White and the Huntsman
Ultimate Lemon: Kasabian Live from the O2

*Well played, Florence. Alea iacta est – see you next week, minus whichever of us have been seized by the reptilian reprisal squads…*