*It’s back to earth with a bump for the BFF crew, as they have to – once again – come to terms with the fact that almost none of them are members of the royal family. John wears a lot of velvet, but that hardly counts. Still, at least they’ve got a shining week of cinema to see them through? Ah…

John (preparing to take Philip’s place):

This week my stare (apparently ‘orange and pear’ is Cockney for ‘stare’, and IT’S ALL THE SAME TO ME) is going to Plan B(en Drew)’s Ill Manors. Despite its slightly ominous ‘urban musical’ tag, I loved rapper/actor/singer Drew in Harry Brown and star Riz Ahmed was one of the highlights of 2010’s Four Lions. It’s all good. My Lemon, however, is going to painted scarlet and flung squarely at George Lucas’ shambling nonsense Red Tails. “What was you doin’ up there?” “I was beatin’ up on Hitler!”. I rest my case.

Orange Choice: Ill Manors
Ultimate Lemon: Red Tails

Papa Neish (dastardly Scot usurper):

It’s been approximately four years since our last poorly scripted offering from George Lucas, and in all honesty I’m ready for another. It is with forgiving, undiminished fanboy glee then that I book tickets to see Red Tails, even braving the litter strewn, needlessly allocated seats of my local ODEON to do so. The film that I won’t be seeing this week, just like every other bona fide Homo Sapien walking the foyer (it doesn’t translate as “wise man” for nothing), is Top Cat. Seriously, it looks like it was animated in the dark.

Orange Choice: Red Tails
Ultimate Lemon: Top Cat

Kayleigh (an excellent waver since 1993):

My lemon this week, without a single shadow of a doubt, is going straight to Top Cat: The Movie. The film has no redeeming features. At all. In fact, it might just be the worst thing ever to have happened to me – ever. The 3D is back to front, the dialogue is nonsensical and there’s even a bit of implied bestiality and prison rape. Get miaow-t of here! This mangy feline should’ve been put down long before it crawled out on the silver screen to die. My orange, on the other hand, goes to Snow White & The Huntsman. No cats, no “purrfect 3D”, no vampires (hopefully) and plenty of Chris Hemsworth equals happiness on all of the levels. Take me now, Huntsman!

Orange Choice: Snow White and the Huntsman
Ultimate Lemon: Top Cat

DVB (Probably gets to carry a sword and everything):

Bela Tarr is fucking mad. He made a TV movie of Macbeth comprised of two shots, one of which is 67 minutes long. His most acclaimed film, Satantango, lasts for just under seven hours. His latest, The Turin Horse, averages at around one shot every five minutes. For God’s sake, reward this man for his industry. My dilemma this week is that there are two obvious choices for a savage dicking, but I feel a little guilty about both. Top Cat is obviously dreadful, but then it was made by a tiny company in Mexico. And LOL has been such a spectacular box office catastrophe that Miley Cyrus has had to make a public statement declaring that she’s not depressed about it. You’re obviously not going to watch either, so perhaps you should just watch the trailer for LOL again. Tenner if you make it all the way through.

Orange Choice: The Turin Horse
Ultimate Lemon: LOL

Tash (face too big for a proper royal hat):

Jeepers, it’s a veritable cinematic minefield this week. I reckon the only possible way to nagivate the explosive horrors of Miley Cyrus’s LOL, the cartoon abomination that is Top Cat AND George Lucas’ snoozefest Red Tails is by loading up on the whiskey based delights of The Angels’ Share. It’s Ken Loach, it’s people in kilts, it’s a man TRYING TO BE A GOOD DAD DESPITE ALL THE ODDS DAMMIT and it’s loads and loads of booze. By the time you’re finished sympathetically whiskey-ing along, you’ll be too drunk to even remember that Prometheus turned out to be rubbish. It did, though.

Orange Choice: The Angels’ Share
Ultimate Lemon: Everything Else

have you managed to avoid all the terrible? Talk to us!