*Tash has returned from her mission, and she brings heartening news – next week will see fresh reinforcements join the embattled defenders of Best For Film Towers! Can the enemy be held off for just a few more days?*

Tash (fighting for your right to have a pub lunch):
This week – as with basically every other week – I’m encouraging you to totally ignore John Underwood and his hatred of myth-toting American Presidents and go watch Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It’s Benjamin Walker and Dominic Cooper sporting splendid hats and splendider axes, whilst Mary Elizabeth Winstead is probably a bit breathy and useless. Did you even see how many inexplicable explosions were in the trailer? It made Sherlock Holmes look like Bleak House. Speaking of bleak, we’ve got Lay The Favourite. The poster has words like “jinx” and “wild card” and “Joshua Jackson” on it – none of which makes any bloody sense. Avoid.

Orange Choice: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Ultimate Lemon: Lay the Favourite

*Florence and Kayleigh have parachuted in to help, the darlings:*

Florence (Mooli mule):
You know what’s a good movie? Jaws. It’s a tragic tale of a happy-go-lucky shark whose life is turned upside down when some men try to kill him with a harpoon. So why not use your 241 this evening for something that will DEFINITELY be good and go see Jaws? There’s a lot of terrible shit going on at the cinemas at the moment, but the re-release of this toothy classic is certainly not one of them. Plus you get to see Richard Dreyfuss’s face on the big screen again! FINALLY. Or maybe instead of Jaws you could catch Chernobyl Diaries, a ‘horror’ so boring that your own brain will literally fall out of your nose while you watch it. Avoid it. Avoid it like a plague of scabby-faced, leg-chomping Ukrainian mutants.

Orange Choice: Jaws
Ultimate Lemon: Chernobyl Diaries

Kayleigh (inverted carrot):
This week, I’m going to go out on a limb (a limb of an orange tree!) and dish out my weekly vitamin C dose to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I don’t even care that it looks utterly, utterly mad; it’s Abraham Lincoln. Hunting vampires. ACTUAL fanged vampires that turn to dust when they venture out into the sunlight, as opposed to those floppy-haired idiots from Twilight. This can only be a joyful experience. Next year they should make Barack Obama: George Bush Slayer and continue this delightfully unrealistic theme of American presidents being more fucking awesome than any other human in the world ever. On the other hand, I’m squirting a lemon at The Five-Year Engagement. Feel that citric acid burn, unhappily unmarried couple. Emily Blunt, darling, I love you… but you can do better. And I don’t just mean Jason Segel. Thank goodness for Your Sister’s Sister on Friday, eh?

Orange Choice: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Ultimate Lemon: The Five-Year Engagement

John (all musical-ed out):
I don’t care what you see this week. By all means check out The Five-Year Engagement, it’s got a few good bits. Hit up Lay the Favourite if you want to upset Papa Neish. Go for The Rise and Fall of a White Collar Hooligan if you like watching yobs try to understand credit card fraud, which probably somebody does somewhere. Just don’t, for Christ’s sake whatever you do don’t do not ABSOLUTELY DON’T SEE Chernobyl Diaries. In fact, go farther. Picket cinemas to urge people away from Chernobyl Diaries. Send anonymous letters to director Bradley Parker. Track down the master copy of the film (do those even exist?) and destroy it, on the basis that maybe all the others will crumble into dust. These are the moments that define us as kings and queens of Narnia. Don’t let me down.

Orange Choice: Anything but Chernobyl Diaries
Ultimate Lemon: Chernobyl Diaries

*Do send us in a photo of your ‘Fuck Chernobyl Diaries’ sign! See you next week…*