*This week Best For Film Towers feels as if it’s travelled like Castle Duckula to the shores of a storm-swept isle, inhabited only by a grown-up Peter Pan and Gandalf, or something. John has a) returned and b) been struck with a curse (magic, staffs, you know), and is mutely coordinating operations from his sick bed. We hope Tom Hanks turns up soon…*

Kayleigh (crap daughter):
My Orange this week goes to, without any shadow of a doubt, Total Recall. Despite the glaring errors in punctuation (What Is Real, What Is Recall NO QUESTION MARK EVER!), this fast-paced sci fi flick looks like it’s going to be an absolute nailbiter of a Wednesday night movie sesh. Plus there’s the promise of Bill Nighy and a three-breasted alien in one movie – what more could you want from life? On the other hand, my lemon is (aptly) going to Keith Lemon: The Movie. Why? Because it’s a desperately grim movie with enough wooden cameos to keep a carpenter well-stocked for twenty years. Although I promise to make sure I don’t get any lemon juice whatsoever on Kelly Brook – she’s already suffered enough at the hands of one citrus fruit.

Orange Choice: Total Recall
Ultimate Lemon: Keith Lemon: The Film

DVB (girding his penis loins):
Now listen, this is very important. You aren’t allowed to go and see Keith Lemon: The Film. If you do, I shall be very stern with you. Just like Peter Kay following the note-perfect Phoenix Nights with an unending torrent of human waste, Bo’ Selecta! creator Leigh Francis has forsaken smarts and humour for Celebrity Juice and now this celluloid mess, both of which are utterly base and of no discernible value. At the exact opposite end of the spectrum, Andrea Riseborough survived the worst film of the year (W.E.) on account of being its sole redeeming feature. She’s even more excellent in tense Brit thriller Shadow Dancer, and you should show her how much you appreciate it by throwing money at her.

Orange Choice: Shadow Dancer
Ultimate Lemon: Keith Lemon: The Film

*Look, a guest! We have a guest poster!*

Ophelia Dagger (actually her real name! loljk):
‘No way!’ you scream, your heartbeat turning tribal in the sheer adrenaline fuelled reaction to this astonishing new release, ‘a producer no one knows from that show no one watches has made a documentary about something few people can relate too?!’ That’s right folks, The Imposter is finally here! Not as high profile as other recent releases which showcase a three breasted woman (this time in HD), or The Watch’s ‘comedy’ ensemble, but it has the potential of intrigue. Besides, if it’s boring we’ll be duped into thinking it was probably good on one of those other condescending levels usually reserved for people who don’t buy their wine in a box. Conversely, in I-need-a-box-of-wine-to-even-consider-watching-it news, Keith Lemon has made a Keith Lemon movie. I shan’t comment on this being a harbinger of the apocalypse for fear it’d be tautological.

Orange Choice: The Imposter
Ultimate Lemon: Keith Lemon: The Film

Papa Neish (now in 3D):
This week I aim to lemon anyone stupid enough to watch The Watch. Not only does it unite three of the four horsemen of the apocalypse alongside poor Richard Ayoade, but manages to simultaneously sully two genres in the process. You’re better off with Total Recall, to be honest, a passable reboot that has a Kate Beckinsale and knows exactly what to do with it.

Orange Choice: Total Recall
Ultimate Lemon: The Watch

Tash (literally doesn’t know how to eat biscuits):
FINALLY. Ever since watching the slick, smart and simmery trailer for The Imposter I’ve been counting down the days until we can finally wrap our brains around its stranger-than-fiction treasures. The true story of a missing boy returned to his family as a teen – or is he? It’s a film as nailbiting as that previous sentences is nonsensical, and after causing a real stir on the festival circuit it’s finally on our gaping screens. Also being obnoxiously noisy is The Three Stooges, a HEY LETS HIT THEM WITH SPADES comedy starring slightly rubbish versions of actual comedians. IS THAT HANK AZARIA? Oh, it’s Sean Hayes. HEY IS THAT JIM CARREY? It’s Chris Diamantopoulos. You get the idea.

Orange Choice: The Imposter
Ultimate Lemon: The Three Stooges

*Was there even a consensus there? Errm, just poke someone in the eye like Sean Hayes! Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. OH MY GOD, IT’S MIRANDA!*