We all know by now that the new Sex And The City film hasn’t exactly reached the dizzying heights of success the ladies are used to. In fact, it seems more like the only thing keeping Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha from falling face-down into a shit-storm of media hate is their glistening designer heels. Judging by the reviews so far it seems like it’s not only boring, and patronising, but also more racist than a ticking gollywog. Brilliant stuff. Well done everyone. But what are the critics actually saying? We’ve swept the net for the hottest reviews (ours will be out later this week), to show you how it really is. As Carrie herself would say, “I got to wondering…”, how on earth has such a successful franchise gone so wrong? Read on to find out, and click on titles for links to the full reviews. We’re kind like that.

The Guardian

“I once watched Béla Tarr’s Sátántangó, the legendary, gloomy black-and-white Hungarian film that lasts for seven-and-a-half hours. Compared with the Abu Dhabi section of Sex and the City 2, Sátántangó zips past like an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.”

“This feels bigger and more cinematic than the first film, and sees a progression in the lives of the characters. But many of the jokes are beyond broad, and the Middle Eastern stereotypes are shockingly cack-handed.”

“We all expected that Sex and the City 2 would be heavily airbrushed, but it seems that Carrie and her girlfriends have also had their brains Botoxed. The four smart New Yorkers have metamorphosed into lobotomised, gawping tourists, trapped by their stilettos in the sands of Abu Dhabi, laughing at women in burkhas and asking “What’s a souk?” Worse still, their costumes are a cross between Primark and Bollywood.”

“”The first Sex and the City film got a free pass from loyal viewers of the television series. This one will try their patience. The clothes for one are mostly dreadful. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a cross between Wurzel Gummidge and Bride of Chucky; Miranda looks badly embalmed. In one scene where the gang appears coming over a dune in the Arabian desert, they resemble a karaoke tribute act to the Village People.”

“They saunter about referencing magic carpets and the like whilst seeming fascinated that an actual culture exists outside of their materialistic little world because as we all know, anyone from New York has never been exposed to brown people with an accent. Women who wear burkas fascinate them, men who are forced to work to live confuse them and as far as they’re concerned, they’ll disrespect the culture they have visited and continue to behave like a gaggle of broads on a Blackpool hen night.”

So what’s your verdict on the new SATC? Or have you been put off entirely? Let us know what you think…