Sex is everywhere at the moment and everyone seems to be at it! London Underground has become a mummy porn haven and quite frankly we’re surprised that the whole of the UK haven’t put their backs out. E.L James we blame you for all of this. We are British after all, sex for us normally consists of a peck on the cheek and a pat on the backside. ENOUGH! “Can I please see some hilariously bad sex to make me feel better as a less than adequate lover?” we hear you cry. Why yes, you can. Be warned though, this really isn’t going to be pretty…

 

#10 – Wild at Heart

What’s this? A classic David Lynch film making it onto a worst sex list? We all know the man likes a bit of rumpy pumpy in his films and normally he handles it all quite well. In Wild at Heart however the sex is…well, all up in your face really. Laura Dern and Nicholas Cage (yes, Underwood) are brilliant together and the film is spectacularly good, but watching this one with your mother? Ooohhh that’s gonna be awkward…

 

#9 – Titanic

Titanic? Or TITanic!! Perhaps the first major motion feature where Kate disrobes for us all and what an impression it made. I know that most of you are all probably having some form of embolism right now seeing this here but let’s face it. This really is one hell of a cringe moment. From the terrible dialogue at the beginning to the frankly alarming shivers that Jack seems to suffer from at the end, like a puppy who has been left out in the rain. OK the hand moment is iconic and we all still do it on every steamed up window that we see, but come on ladies admit it, you would all totally freak if a guy did that to. We definitely would not be sexting Jack Dawson for a rematch. That’s for darn sure.

 

#8 – The Notebook

This film was just a whole load of blah. Blah, blah, blah, “why didn’t you write me”, blah, blah, blah, dementia. What elevated it from blah however is that at one point in its existence the film contained a hilariously awkward sex scene where Ryan Gosling has a poke around at one of Rachel McAdams’ boobs before they begin fornicating. Seriously, check it out:

It is the awkward undressing from opposite corners of an empty barn that really makes it so funny. First time sex is tricky enough without having to look at an ENORMOUS…pair of boxers (what did you think I was going to say)? This is why most people are usually drunk! You have to be drunk to see this film too. It takes it from painfully bad to overly amusing.

 

#7 – The Girl Next Door

Yet another film that is actually quite good but ruined by a hidious sex scene! Emile Hirsch is a dorky seventeen year old who falls in love with porn star Elisha Cuthbert, (what ever happened to her)? After various capers and an “adult video” shoot, the two of them have sex in the back of a limo, a suitably classy place for Emile to loose his V spot. What ensues is an agonising minute and a half of weird sex faces and slow mo bouncing to David Grey’s This Year’s Love. Meanwhile you are yelling “she’s a porn star! She’s faking it”! at the screen and booking yourself in for botox in any attempt to freeze your face so it never looks like theirs during sex.

 

#6 – Teeth

Vagina Dentata. Yep, the main character has a set of pearly whites IN HER VAGINA! Except they don’t stay white for long as she begins biting off a lot more than she can chew. (Ewwww…) There is a scene where she bites off someone’s penis and A DOG EATS IT! A DOG! SHE HAS TEETH IN HER VAGINA!! Need I say more?

 

#5 – Watchmen

Oh god, please just make it stop! I actually like this Leonard Cohen song! Stop now? Oh no, they are still gyrating about. Song ruined forever. A generally good film, but Silk Spectre and Night Owl’s shagathon takes the Mile High Club to new extremes. The most cringetastic bit? When Silk Spectre hits the jet engine button sending a burst of flames out as she climaxes. Way to go, Night Owl…

 

#4 – American Pie

A sex list without featuring Tara Reid? Impossible. So here she is. The bit in particular which made us all cringe when we were tweenagers and still does to this very day is the infamous “I’m coming”! moment, a scene where she takes the danger wank idea to an elevated level. Yep, that can go on your CV, Reid. We’re assuming that will be the only thing on it.

 

#3 – James Bond Films

There are a few things in life that unite us all as a nation…and squirming in embarrassment on Christmas day whilst watching Bond diddle some chick is one of them. Pussy Galore, Plenty O’Toole, Chew Mee and Xenia Onatopp have all had a good going over by the double 0 throughout the years normally before lines like “You always were a cunning linguist, James” and this remarkable bit of dialogue from Moonraker (see above picture): “My God, what’s Bond doing?” “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir.” Groan, cringe, die a little inside. Perhaps the worst sex lines of all though come from The World is Not Enough where Bond gets it on with Christmas Jones (that’s DR. Christmas Jones to you), a tits and ass nuclear physicist who dresses like Lara Croft and is only called Christmas so the script writer could get in the worst puns ever. Even by Bond’s standards, this one is pretty low.

 

#2 – Gigli

Eating turkey will never be the same again after you have seen this clip from Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s personal porno film Gigli. How is this sexy? HOW IS THIS SEXY?!

I have nothing else to say other than, ick. ICK, ICK, ICK!!

 

#1 – Showgirls

Kyle Maclachlan!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! What are you doing?! I told you this wasn’t going to be pretty! This has to be the number one worst sex scene of all time, ever! When did splashing around like a performing dolphin at SeaWorld become a turn on? And when did waterboarding become a legitimate sex act?! Although it does look at bit like she is being drowned, Elizabeth Berkeley is actually the instigator in this scenario and the waves are in fact being generated by her whipping her breasts all over the shop and flapping like a fish that has been speared. Who needs a wave machine in a pool when you can do this? (Please never do this…) Agent Cooper, shame on you, shaaaaame!! Is it just us, or for this to work Kyle Maclachlan’s dong must be located somewhere near his midriff? Things just got even creepier…

I’m going to go and scrub myself clean now.

Is this the definitive list, or have we actually just been having sex wrong? Let us know?

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