Top 10 (pseudo) porn flicks about actual porn

Strictly for your viewing pleasure, here are the flicks that mastered the delicate symbiosis between storyline and sleaze, and made it big. So get comfy and grab some pop-porn; it’s time to assume the position…

# 10 Orgazmo (1997)

Popculture-porn just wouldn’t be credible without the degenerate contribution of Trey Parker and Matt Stone. The Southpark creators’ trademark absurd obscenity makes the perfect bedpartner for this story of Mormon missionaries and sex-superheros wielding Orgazmorators. ‘Nuff said.

# 9 Rated X (2000)

The tiger-blood imbibing, head-exploding human amphetamine that is the Sheen-machine teams up with his real life brother Emilio Estevez to play the brothers Jim and Artie Mitchell, who helped spread the good word of porn across Middle America. Their pilgrimage sees them through the highs of financing some of the earliest porno theatres in the US, to inciting nation-wide public outcry and engorging themselves on sex, booze and sibling rivalry. This film masquerades as an attempt to uncover the seedy world of the porn industry – circa late 1970s, but we can’t help but feel that we’re really just watching Charlie Sheen play Charlie Sheen.

# 8 Elektra Luxx (2010)

Pregnant porn-star Elektra Luxx (Carla Gugino) is trying to make an honest living teaching sex classes to housewives. But her attempt at leading a life of virtue is threatened when a figure from her past approaches her for a favour, instigating a series of events that will see Luxx having to face up to motherhood, existentialism, and the Virgin Mary. In short, Elektra Luxx is one heart-warming story of piety and pornography.

# 7 Finding Bliss (2009)

This film is somewhat unexpected, because up until its release, we assumed Leelee Sobieski was asexual. As a struggling filmmaker who takes a job at a big-league porn studio, prudish Jody (Sobieski) finds herself being more titillated than turned off by her provocative work environment. The script is as painful as Sobieski’s simulated sex scenes, but Jamie Kennedy both dashes and comes to the rescue with the most obscenely awesome name ever: Dick Harder.

# 6 Wonderland (2003)

This neo-noir biopic sees The Saint-turned-Whale Man Val Kilmer as the real life porn-king John Holmes, a.k.a. Johnny Wadd, a veritable sexathon legend in the late 70s. Wad reputably appeared in over 2500 films and was allegedly endowed with an enormous talent that would make Kilmer’s sea-friends weep salty tears of shame.

# 5 Inside Deep Throat (2005)

The staidly entitled Inside Deep Throat is punted as an, erm, penetrative documentary into the golden age of celluloid sexploits when STDs were virtually unknown and the clap was merely laudatory. The docudrama features a plethora of interviewees, including porn pioneer Larry Flynt and renowned profligate/sexpert Dennis Hopper.

# 4 The Girl Next Door (2004)

Essentially, The Girl Next Door is a teen comedy looking for an excuse to fulfil the ultimate soggy dream of its target demographic. Elisha Cuthbert plays the customary porn starlet, who captures the heart (amongst other things) of a straight-laced student, Eli (Emile Hirsch). Interestingly, the film is supposedly based on the real-life copulative capers of torture porn pundit Eli Roth (who reportedly dated a porn star in his pubescent years).

# 3 The People vs Larry Flynt

Directed by Milos Forman (who won a Best Director Oscar for the film), The People vs Larry Flynt details the rise of the eponymous skin mag publisher and editor, Larry Flynt (played by Woody Harrelson), and his subsequent clash with the law. This idealised take on Flynt’s defending of the porn-faith will no doubt compel each Hustler fan the world over to lift his free hand in salutational gratitude.

# 2 Zack and Miri Make a Porno

A classic love story of life imitating porn, where boy meets girl, establishes lifelong friendship, and then convinces said girl to create some wholesome, all-American smut together. Roommates Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) are low on cash and desperate to make their respective ends meet. In a moment of climatic inspiration, the pair attempt to tap into the lucrative industry of porn movies. As the cameras roll, however, Zack and Miri begin to sense that they may be feeling more than just each other. Perhaps the best thing about this film is the title of the imaginary porno, inspired by the coffee house in which they shoot the good stuff – Swallow My Cockucinno.

# 1 Boogie Nights

Boogie Nights is an epic journey beneath the undergarments of rich America, and the porn that financed its affluence. The story is visually and conceptually engulfing, and the film stars a sparkling cast of both pseudo and bona fide sleazists, including Mark Wahlberg (who plays the lead, Dirk Diggler), Heather Graham and Burt Reynolds. The real star of the film, however, is Dirk Diggler’s wiggler, whose 13-inch grounding in actual reality remains ambiguous to this day. While the actual plot was superseded by the legend it sired of Marky Mark’s mythically proportioned member, Boogie Nights remained strikingly impressive. Almost as much as the cyclopean trouser-snake.

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