As the old saying goes, one should never judge a book by its cover. Covers are the pimps of the literature world; they’ll lie, they’ll cheat, they’ll show you whatever you want to see just to make sure you’ll open up the goods within. If your eye is caught by pictures of moist ladies, men with arrogant moustaches and exploding breast-skyscrapers, but the title says “Injection Moulding: An Intermediate Guide”, don’t be fooled. By this reasoning, you should never judge a film by its poster. But old sayings are a tricky thing, and just because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, doesn’t mean you should charge round your nearest undergrowth with peanut butter all over your gloves.

Considering the amount of time, effort and money the big bad beasties of Hollywood have to put together a stunning window into the house of their creation, there’s no excuse for a bad poster. And as our nursery school teacher always told us, abject humiliation is the only way people learn. So here, for your viewing pleasure, is our pick of the top ten worst movie posters of all time. Baffling, boggling and utterly brainless, we celebrate Hollywood’s witlessness. Enjoy.

10. One Missed Call

Now, we have no idea what One Missed Call is actually about, and don’t really feel that’s particularly important (for those of you who say “do your research”, we think you probably need to have a look at what the word “research” actually means. Maybe research a little more before you start with your mad “research” claims)  As far as we can tell, this is a film about the overuse of mobile phones finally causing that mutant cancer the Daily Mail keeps going on about. Eyes will turn into mouths, mouths will turn into weeping sores and the weeping sores will stop crying and start shouting at everyone. Well they would, except everyone keeps missing their calls.

9. Ssssss

You would think that the simple moral of this tale would be “stop trying to eat live snakes whole, Linda”. But apparently the actual film is a sci-fi romp centring on a mad professor, his assistant and an evil plot to transform a man into a snake-creature. You don’t really get a sense of that from the poster. Still, the team were probably preoccupied with trying to work out how many ‘s’s make up the word Ssssss.

8. Seven Pounds

OK, according to this poster, this film can have one of two titles. 1. “Half Burnt Face Man”, or “The Shirt Of Destiny: Who gives a shit about how shadows work when you’re a magic shirt?”

7. Slumdog Millionaire

Don’t get us wrong, Slumdog Millionaire is a brilliant, glorious, pant-moisteningly lovely film. But be honest. This poster looks suspiciously like a Talk To Frank campaign aimed at those who are tired of five hour drug induced binges on the it-box.

6. The Green Mile

“Tom Hanks stars in Wistful Chins: a tale of one toy’s battle with reality. A Pinocchio for the modern age, Plastic Tom must follow the green mile road to Oz to have his ultimate wish fulfilled – a human face.”

5. Public Enemies

Ah, Johnny Depp’s crotch, fancy seeing you here. Is your master and overlord’s new film seriously so devoid of personality that you’re forced to take centre stage in his new poster? But look, his suit is so…. erm… well look at that electrifying backdrop, it’s… fair enough. This film has Johnny Depp in. Johnny Depp has a penis. Maybe this time his penis is for you. Please come and watch. Please.

4. Antichrist

Now, views are entirely divided here. Is this a searing piece of imagery, not only representing the pull and push of our relationships, but the paradox that once bound to one another we cannot help but cause destruction? Or do the anti-slip faces just make those scissors kid-friendly?

3. Spinning Into Butter

From the terrible photoshopping and digitally created glass to the “racial-issues” undertones and one of the stupidest titles since Jennifer Lopez dribbled the word “Gigli”, Spinning Into Butter makes us feel all of the white and flashy anger inside. Miranda Richardson, what the hell do you think you’re doing here?

2. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Now, wait. Before you get all angry, just wait. Have a look at it. Really. That’s Luke, right there. And next to him? That’s Leia. Yeah. Before photoshopping came along for the breasts of every Keira Knightley snapshot, there was just pure, old fashioned painting shit that wasn’t there.

and finally,

1. The Day Of The Dolphin

To be fair, who wouldn’t want to watch that?

Have we missed any? Let us know below!