Despite the fact that zombies are incredibly popular, no-one ever tells you where to get one. And here’s the thing – zombies are like yoghurt. How, you ask? Well, nobody really likes the raspberry flavoured ones they’re filled with good bacteria you need a starter batch to make more. The zombie bite is the fastest reproductive process in movies, beating face-huggers and bodysnatchers hands down, but you’re stuffed if you don’t have a zombie originator. Enter Zombie Masterchef! If you are ready to go for it and make your own zombies, here are some tried and tested recipes:

Recipe #5 – Zombie Kebab

Ingredients
1 doll – Some pins/skewers – 1 Houngan/bokor/sorcier of good quality (i.e not a mime in a top hat chasing Roger Moore through Botox salons) – One 1930s nightie – Drums (for seasoning)

Method
As demonstrated in Jacques Tourneur’s 1943 classic, I Walked With A Zombie, dress victim in nightie. Make doll resemble victim, get sorcier to stick pins in doll. Drum a lot.

Results
Bite: non-existent/non-infectious
Speed: wafting
Danger levels: mainly to itself
Usefulness: Scaring the bejesus out of tourists.
Special Notes: This zombie is basically a sleepwalker, easily mistaken for a Monday morning commuter. Stick a pineapple on its head to keep track of it in crowds.

Recipe #4 – Legumes de Haiti

Ingredients
Puffer fish tetrodotoxin extract – Marine toad – Hyla Tree Frog – Sea Cucumber – Datura flower – Human bones – Ground glass – Talcum powder – Spiders – Lizards – Marmite (my own addition)

Method
For more specifics, check Wes Craven’s film The Serpent and the Rainbow based on Wade Davis’ book of the same name. Grind the ingredients, dedicate the mixture to the Loa of Haiti. Rub mixture into skin of prospective zombie. Victim will enter catatonic state – at this point, bury them. Leave in ground for 7-10 days. Dig up.

Results
Bite: non-existent/non-infectious
Speed: shuffling
Danger levels: None
Usefulness: Plantation work/mindless drudgery
Special Notes: Dosage dependant, it is thought that recovery is possible from this form of zombification. Plus, the secret societies of Haiti will be peeved at anyone using their recipes. Just so you know.

Recipe #3 – Zombie Tongues

Ingredients
1 Dictionary (preferably French-English translation) – Some Nazis – A small town

Method
For details of this recipe, watch Pontypool, possibly one of the smartest zombie movies ever made and far too good for me to spoil. Please note this works better in Canada, or anywhere people still use vocabulary.

Results:
Bite: No-one knows.
Speed: human
Danger levels: High levels of infection.
Usefulness: Rappers particularly vulnerable.
Special Notes: Only mimes are safe (back to Roger Moore…). Also, only the merest soupçon of Nazi is needed here, so clever cooks could re-use their supply (see Tommy Wirkola’s 2009 horrorfest Dead Snow)

Recipe #2 – Zombie BBQ Bake

Ingredients
Humans – Radiation – Horse box – Midget

Method
As the mighty George A Romero teaches us in Night of the Living Dead, zombies turn up wherever radiation occurs. Go find a radioactive site – it’s not like they’re rare or anything. Wait. Find first human to mutate into zombie (make sure it’s not you). Get midget to lure zombie into horsebox. Lock horsebox. Now you have two…

Results
Bite: Highly infectious
Speed: Slow…ish.
Danger levels: High levels of infection
Usefulness: Interesting backing vocals
Special Notes: Transit and safe-keeping is always a concern. Or you could just bung it in a mall…

Recipe #1 – Cheesy Zombie Puffs

Ingredients
1 Michael Jackson – Some popcorn – 2 Hellhounds (at least) – The funk of 40,000 years

Method
A sure-fire winner, as demonstrated in the music video Thriller. Wait for Halloween, then mix. Find victim, remove soul for getting down. Boogie.

Results
Bite: Not many teeth but beware their gumgoo.
Speed: Funky
Danger levels: Decomposition, enhanced rhythm,
Usefulness: Dance troop creation, house demolition
Special Notes; Caution required; curdling may produce Macaulay Culkin

There are of course many other recipes, from the virus-marinated sprinters of 28 Days Later to Solanum-powered monsters soon to be revealed in World War Z (adapted from Max Brooks’ bestseller). Alas, I have no more time for Zombie Masterchef; my microwave just pinged and I can hear groaning downstairs. Like an idiot, I left my cleaver in the kitchen…