His first starring role since making the relatively short trip back to Hollywood from the L.A. governor’s mansion, Arnold Schwarzenegger creaks back onto the big screen in a routine actioner that bets big on nostalgia for the one-liners and stiff acting he perfected so long ago. Does a dinosaur like Schwarzenegger have a place in an era dominated by wire-less martial arts madness and the kind of jumped-up hyper-kinetic combat pioneered by the Bourne franchise? The Last Stand is a lesson in the saving grace of star power, even if it doesn’t burn quite as bright as it used to.

In 2006, unofficially-crowned Worst Director of All Time Uwe Boll made an action-fantasy video-game adaptation (of the Dungeon Siege games) called In The Name Of The King. It cost $60million, starred Jason Statham and Ron Perlman, and boasted supporting turns from Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds. It made less than $14million and has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 4%. Now, six years later, he’s made a sequel. Super.

Someone needs to stop Sly Stallone before he wastes any more celluloid. An overblown, overacted mess, watching The Expendables is like liquidising all your Rambo DVDs, pouring the resulting testosterone-laden gloop into a shotgun with a generous slug of protein shake, and shooting yourself in the face.

“We are the shadow, the smoke in your eyes, the ghosts that hide in the night…”. If anyone can think of a more ridiculous line to describe Sly Stallone and his motley crew of roided-up ex-wrestlers and 80s action heroes in 2010 action movie The Expendables, we’d like to hear it.

8pm. The building stood, tall and proud, like a glistening erection against the rain. I sighed, tonight was going to be long. Long and hard, like an glistening erection against the rain. Beside me, Carter whispered something about not using the word “erection” so loudly and often in a hostage siuation. I smiled. This kid had a lot to learn.