WHY? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, NICOLAS CAGE?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to watch a Grand Theft Auto game done with real actors and a tiny effects budget? Then look no further! Blood, Breasts and Stock Characters in Africa: or, Viva Riva!, the first full-length feature film to make it from the Congo to the US, could scarcely be a more crude and depressing reflection of the worst and most pointless aspects of Hollywood. For shame.

Messy, ridiculous, violent, naked and generally speaking more than a bit on fire, Drive Angry 3D is deep-fried cinema at its most deliciously insane. It never comes close to touching the knowing cool of a Tarantino or Rodriguez feature, but this adrenaline shot of pure grindhouse indulgence is stupidly satisfying all the same. Dead-Man-Revenging Nic Cage is acted off the screen by his excellent supporting cast, but to be honest, when he’s smoking, shagging, killing and growling ALL AT THE SAME TIME it’s difficult to care.

What is the future of 3D films? Avatar made the water 3D, then blew everything out of it. Tron: Legacy, whilst being undeniably rubbish, made $44 million in its opening weekend in the US alone, and the list of franchises to have secured box office success continues to grow. So is the future of 3D films secure, or is this a pretty 3D flash in an otherwise 2D pan?

As the stage is set for another bloody awful year of Nicolas Cage releasing eight thousand crappy films, we thought we’d take you on a whistle-stop tour back through his entire demented oeuvre since the Millennium. Not suitable for readers who are sensitive to unpleasant hairstyles.