Oh guess what, it’s time for another Katherine Heigl film to come out. Why? Because you touch yourself. It’s One For The Money day, and the only rational response is to drink until you don’t have a mouth anymore. Have we seen the film yet? That’s hardly the point.

With Nicholas Cage galloping back onto the screen for the long awaited (ahem) sequel to Ghost Rider this week, what better way to celebrate than with a high speed, booze fuelled marathon of motorbike classics? So, grab your buddies, a dangerous amount of alcohol and a fistful of biker flicks and get ready to lose the next six hours of your life riding the highway to a serious blackout.

Valentine’s Day approaches, and as this Friday night looms you’re either putting the finishing touches on the mound of presents you’ve prepared for your other half or injecting K Cider into your genitals in the hope that it’ll feel like someone stroking (or at least punching) you. If the former is true, we hate you – if it’s the latter, put that syringe down and try having a drink the traditional way. Compulsively.

Do you know what’s out next week? The 3D version of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, that’s what. We’re warily eyeing our invite to the screening and wondering how we could possibly get out of going. To keep us distracted from the inevitably disappointing experience, we’ve decided to get very drunk and mock George Lucas. So grab some Ewoks, a bucketful of booze and a novelty lightsaber-stirrer; things are about to get messy…

Brand-new indie rom-com Like Crazy has hit cinemas, bringing with it a wealth of brutal honesty and bitter views on love. Hurray! How will we cope with all of this unsugared reality? By drinking, that’s how! Grab yourselves a suitable alcoholic bevvy, a stack of DVDs and a handful of cynical friends… things are about to get messy.

Did you know Billy Shakespeare wrote thirty seven plays? That’s more plays than number of tears we’ve wept about how few plays we’ve written. And approximately four of them are still knocking about today. One of those plays isn’t Coriolanus, but that didn’t stop Ralph Fiennes making an adaptation of it. What a mess. Do you need a drink yet? Us too.

War Horse is out – it’s time to get pissed and watch films about war! And horses! And horses in war! But if there’s one thing war horses love, it’s rules; rules like ‘every horse gets a sugar cube after a hard day’s war’ and ‘no matter how long the war goes on, don’t eat your horse’. If you need some horse/war-related rules, you’ve come to the right place.

Secretly, we are all a teeny weeny bit Sedatephobic. That’s right; we fear silence. The awkward silence on a first date, the uncomfortably long pause after a joke bombs, the too-silent bedroom as you try to ‘lose yourself in the moment’, the creepy basement… it’s no good denying it. We want to fill silence. Which is why, when treating yourself to a spectacular silent film (in celebration of this week’s hottest release, The Artist), we strongly advise you drink heavily, to ease the tension…

Today marks the release of the third – the actual third – film in the Chipmunks series (whywhywhywhywhywhywhoisresponsibleforthis). Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked (we don’t see what you did there. Can someone explain the joke?) follows the Chipmunks and their girlfriends (?) the Chipettes as they go on a cruise (why?). They fall overboard and get shipwrecked (ohhhh we get it now! This film needs to die). In honour of this film’s arrival, we bring you this week’s drinking game. So hollow out a coconut, fill it with Malibu, pop in a DVD and settle down with your favourite anthropomorphised ball.

It’s Christmas – well, it’s December, and we don’t need much more excuse than that to get the Love Actually out. Laugh, cry, drink, try to forget about that thing with Hugh Grant and the prostitute – we’ll even leave him out of the questions to help you along. Here comes the Colin! AND HE’S GOT A BIG KNOB.