Ah, Friday. It’s the end of a long week and we bet you haven’t even seen any aliens, you poor sad shmuck – well, not any that you’d remember anyway. Suspicious? WE THINK SO! Time to brush up on the alien know-how, not to mention celebrate the release of Men In Black 3, with our very own memory deletion device – alcohol.

OH GOD WHO SET FIRE TO THE SKY? Summer has finally arrived, and if you’re going to preserve that distinctive ‘cineaste tan’ (dead white skin, blue veins, squinting eyes) then you need to stay in the shade. And where could be shadier than a cinema? Apart from an adult cinema, of course. FUN WITH HOMONYMS!

Helen Mirren is officially the oldest woman in the world that you’re allowed to want to sleep with. Which is nice. She’s also indisputably one of the finest actors of her generation, which is nicer. But did you know that she’s descended from Russian nobility? No, you didn’t. Sounds like somebody needs an ice cold Cheat Sheet…

The summer’s taking a while to arrive, but from Thursday you can travel across the world without leaving town – the London International Documentary Festival is back, and for ten glorious days it’ll be setting the world to right in venues across London. Thank God it’s Monday, eh?

It’s been a hell of a week for cinema, hasn’t it? Hasn’t it? What do you mean, you don’t know? Are you telling us that you haven’t been glued to the Best For Film Twitter account all week, breathlessly drinking in every word of Hollywood news as we churned it out? You little bitch. Get in here and catch up or we’ll spank you.

It’s impossible to dress for this weather – one minute it’s sheeting down, the next it’s hotter than Jude Law’s crotch five seconds after he’s met the new nanny. So why bother to go outside at all? Hide in the multiplex all day and watch film after film after film, secure in the knowledge that all you really need to wear is some pants. Thank god for the OWLs!

In geology, a rock is a naturally occurring solid aggregate of minerals and / or mineraloids. While plenty is known about all things igneous, sedimentary and metamorphic, not nearly enough knowledge exists about our favourite rock of all. Yup. it’s time to get under the skin of Chris Rock…

Another thick, beige parade of weekdays stands before you, threatening you with the kind of crippling boredom only bestest by anything written by Nicholas Sparks or facts about golf. THANK GOODNESS THEN that Best For Film is committed to making sure you don’t have a truly awful life. Thank God It’s Monday proudly presents your guide to this weekend’s UK Green Film Festival!

Remember last week? Remember last week when tomorrow was sort of SUNDAY AGAIN because of the magic of last week? Yeah, well that’s not how this tomorrow’s going to work, big boy. Monday is on its way like some mad, Taylor Lautner based dribbling hell hound, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Except promise you that there are, at least, NEW FILMS afoot! Trailers ho!

Hey, you know that saying about the eyes being the window to your soul? What if the window opened up into a nightmare, wrapped in a murder, nestled in an insane asylum? Don’t understand? You will, my friend, oh you will.