Whether you’re London, Belfast or Edinburgh-based, this week belongs to Poland. And as for the rest of you, you’re probably better off dead. Unless you’re actually from Poland, in which case we’ll let you off. Polish Film Festival! Hurrah for Monday!

It’s Friday and you want to ride along the fast-track to drunken oblivion. What better way to do it than with a bunch of films depicting people being even more debaucherous and moronic than you?

OK, so it’s not exactly been a seminal week in terms of film releases, but that’s simply no excuse to spend your time with family, friends or miscellaneous loved ones. Today is Wednesday, DAMMIT. And today we sit in a smug, two for one darkness, safe in the knowledge that our on-screen pals will always be there for us. Except for Katherine Heigl, obviously.

This week, Reese stars in This Means War, a film where she forces two lifelong friends (and also… spies? Or something. I don’t know. Ask John.) to compete for her love, destroying one another in the process. Hang on a second, haven’t we seen this before? Y’know, Reese Witherspoon systematically ruining the lives of those around her? Let’s investigate.

Ever wanted to watch your favourite films in a warehouse space made out of reclaimed waste materials? Well, you can from 29th February. Thank God it’s Monday!

Oh guess what, it’s time for another Katherine Heigl film to come out. Why? Because you touch yourself. It’s One For The Money day, and the only rational response is to drink until you don’t have a mouth anymore. Have we seen the film yet? That’s hardly the point.

Beautiful and touching portrayals of inspiring historical figures are so soppy aren’t they? We decided it’s time to commemorate some of the worst and most distasteful attempts at realising history’s icons.

After the earth-shatteringly offensive event that was the release of Adam “cry for help” Sandler’s Jack And Jill, this week was always going to feel like the slightly shaky recovery period after a fairly severe stroke. With that in mind, we’re going to try and go easy on this week’s releases. We really are. What’s that? Ghost-Rider, Spirit of Nic Cage’s Constant Failures? Oh forget it, sign us up to a DNR and let the glorious abyss take over…

It’s hard not to like Woody Harrelson, isn’t it? Until the recently-released Rampart, he’d never blown us away with his performances, but has maintained a amiable screen presence for the last 20 years. We take a glimpse into the life of the self-proclaimed ‘Hollywood hippie.’

Yep, the coming week is mere moments away. Quite a lot of moments, admittedly, but look at them – all lined up ready to throw themselves into the ever-thinning gulf between you and Monday morning. Still, at least there are NEW FILMS to be watched. And what better way to decide on what to feast your face on then by watching the trailers? Yes, there are loads of better ways, but this way is mega-easy.