Another week gone, and unless you’re Whitney Houston you’ve managed to survive it! (We’ll stop the Whitney jokes next week, promise). What better way to celebrate your continued existence than to crawl back into bed and read about all the things what done happened since last time we presumed upon your weekend?

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is right around the corner and no-one is excited. Seeing as this will be yet another inevitably awful Nicolas Cage film, we’re trying to remind ourselves that he’s not always been that bad…

With Nicholas Cage galloping back onto the screen for the long awaited (ahem) sequel to Ghost Rider this week, what better way to celebrate than with a high speed, booze fuelled marathon of motorbike classics? So, grab your buddies, a dangerous amount of alcohol and a fistful of biker flicks and get ready to lose the next six hours of your life riding the highway to a serious blackout.

Muppets Muppets Muppets Muppets Muppets! And what we actually mean by that is, there are plenty of choices for your Orange voucher this week. But mainly if you don’t go and see The Muppets, you’re probably dying of some terrible disease. LET’S TALK:

What do The Muppets, Ali G and Flight Of The Conchords all have in common? Apart from the occasional bit of humourous racism, we mean? Why the STICKY TOUCH of James Bobin, of course! Co-creator of Sacha Baron Cohen’s most famous character, creative brain behind the Conchords’ TV success and director of The Muppets – how on earth has this bloke stayed under our radar for so long? Probably the racist stuff, to be honest. CHEAT SHEET!

Valentine’s Day has arrived. Yuck. However, if we’re very lucky, the Mayans could have correctly predicted 2012 to be the end of the world and, therefore, this will be the last V Day we’re ever subjected to. No more simpering teddies clutching hearts, no more tacky cards, no more bad-tasting chocolate hearts and no more wilting flowers. Hurray! To celebrate the (potentially) last Valentine’s Day ever, we’ve decided to count down our favourite silver screen lovers…

It’s Monday, it’s wet and virtually nobody apart from Michel Hazanavicius and Jean Dujardin have anything to be cheery about. Right? WRONG. This week you should be heading straight to London NW6, where sunshine and rainbows surround the Tricycle Theatre and its superb International Film Season. Thank God It’s Monday!

Valentine’s Day approaches, and as this Friday night looms you’re either putting the finishing touches on the mound of presents you’ve prepared for your other half or injecting K Cider into your genitals in the hope that it’ll feel like someone stroking (or at least punching) you. If the former is true, we hate you – if it’s the latter, put that syringe down and try having a drink the traditional way. Compulsively.

George Lucas’ mammoth rerelease of all six Star Wars films in 3D has finally begun with the most profitable of them all, 1999’s The Phantom Menace. Are you thinking about going to see it, just for old times’ sake? DON’T. There’s no need for you to ruin your comfortably rose-tinted memories of Lucas’ increasingly childish ‘space operas’, and he’ll only use the money to increase the diameter of his neck some more…

DEAR GOD NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN COLDER THAN THIS. No more smugly wearing hats, no more wistful wintery walks, no more thinking about how nice it’ll feel when we’re finally indoors – this is madness. Get thee to a cinema. For your health. FOR YOUR HEALTH, WE SAY.