A Turtle’s Tale, the biography of a dismally boring chelonian who spends fifty years biffing around in the sea and then turns into John Hurt, has been billed as an adventure/thrillride/treat etc “for all the family”. Should you wish to protest this blatant lie, the Trading Standards Institute can be found here; nobody over the age of five will find any joy in Sammy’s aimless paddling, trite relationships and pious eco-preaching.

D’you know what, Sammy? Real turtles – the sort that are 3D even if you’re not wearing glasses – actually don’t have quite as jammy a life as you. We explore some of the dodgier moments in your average non-voiced-by-Dominic-Cooper-and-John-Hurt chelonian’s life to find out what probably won’t pop up in A Turtle’s Tale.

From the writers of Sexy Beast comes 44 Inch Chest, a new Brit gangster flick starring Ray Winstone, Ian McShane and John Hurt. It’s the story of Col, a cuckolded mob who gathers his friends together to take revenge on his wife’s French lover. But with the loss of his wife imminent, Col starts to reassess his life, suddenly unsure of the abject masculinity he’s surrounded himself with all his life.

From Brit-grit gangsters in 44 Inch Chest to hard-hitting drama in Brothers, Best For Film looks at all the upcoming releases and lets you know what’s worth the price of admission. Also up this month we’ve got the hotly anticipated crime drama A Prophet, rom-coms from Sandra Bullock, The Book of Eli, Up in the Air and heist action in Armored.

Sneaking under the radar to a cinema near you on December 4th is 44 Inch Chest. Some jaded souls might groan at the prospect of another addition to the long link of Brit gangster flicks, but this is no Guy Ritchie knock-off, oh nosiree Bob. This one’s got pedigree. Breeding, like.