Why aren’t films of video games ever good? Because the boys in the back room are adapting the wrong goshdarned games, that’s why! We’ve consumed eighty-six thousand Doritos and worn out nine pairs of tracksuit bottoms doing the research for this list: the definitive top 10 games that must be brought to the silver screen.

Hollywood’s bent for all things cheesy is perhaps best embodied in that most haunting of spectres, the child actor. From their cutesy giggles to their moronic lisps, we count down the five most irritating mugs ever to grace the screen at the tender age of precocious.