It’s lunchtime, and I’m eating a rather disappointing BLT with a lukewarm can of G&T on one of SouthWest Trains’ longer and more bumpy routes through deepest darkest Hampshire while the sun beams down outside. Frankly, this article title was designed to incite jealousy and – although Hollywood is overflowing with unforgettable onscreen dishes – many of the meals on this list are horrendous, if only to help my mental wellbeing. Bon appétit!

Three quarters of the way into our Christmas countdown, we’re relaxing our previously bird-centric attitudes to focus on the ladies who make Hollywood dainty and sweet-smelling and so on. Except for Lady Snowblood, who’s a mass murderer. And Margaret ‘Iron Lady’ Thatcher, who wore awful suits and destroyed British heavy industry more or less on a whim. And Lady, who’s a dog and reportedly spent most of her time off-camera licking her own vagina in a pile of fox shit. Ladies are unpredictable, is our point.

Alpha And Omega is the new CGI family 3D film offering from Lionsgate. And. Well. In short, it’s the worst thing ever. It’s awful. It was so bad that it filled me with an irrational rage of such strength that four cheese sandwiches and an episode of Black Books later, my eyes remained un-glazed and full of knives. There is, I realised, only one way to rid myself of this sudden and frightening anger: I have to tell the world.